One thing at a time

12/16/11
  
We finally got Mikes' car going yesterday. It was something electrical. It took the auto shop about 2 hours and it was done. We are happy that it's fixed. We are still struggling with our finances. Who isn't right? We ended up with all said and done spending about $200 to fix the car. At the end of it all, Mikes' paycheck is gone and he just got it yesterday. But everything is paid up. I just couldn't get much from the grocery store. I'm trying to be grateful for what we do have. I wouldn't be human if it didn't bother me some. These times sure are trying. The good thing is we got over one obstacle. We still have the ticket to worry about. But right now I'm looking forward to the kids being home for a couple of weeks. I think family time will be the theme for the holidays. Which is what it should be. I have a therapy session today, we are going to talk about the changes we are making to my treatment plan. I feel good about that. It's nice to have therapy that is working. My symptoms aren't completely gone, but they are less intense. I seem to have more normal days than I do bad ones. I have to think about Katherines' birthday coming up on the 22nd. Positive, positive, positive!!!!! I have to keep that in my brain. It's a time to reflect on the life she had. So I will figure out something to acknowledge her birthday. I have to be honest I feel really sad writing that. It's also been a long time since I wrote her name. I feel a loss for words at the moment. I took a long pause, my mind is running. I can't help but think of her question to me before she died. Mommy what would you do if I died? I still can't believe my 4 yr old asked me that. My response was, I would cry for a long time. Then I told her not to worry about that, because nothing was going to happen to her. Well we know now that I couldn't have been more wrong. Even though I'm working so hard on trying to heal, there is not one day that goes by I don't think of them. I still feel deeply sad. My heart still aches. And sometimes like right now, I feel like my heart has actually been ripped out. A parent should not have to live on without their children. And that is a concept that is still hard for me to deal with. See it is a funny thing, one moment I am fine. Something gets said or a thought enters my mind, and it all changes. I can get right back to square one. I'm just happy I was doing this blog. I can write out my feelings as they are happening. Which doesn't usually happen. Most of the time I'm just in my head. I want to pause here and finish this later today. I have a feeling my mindset will be different after therapy. Hang in there with me through these next few weeks. I will be leaning on you through my writing.

Well I went to my appointment. I left feeling very excited about the ideas we came up with for my new treatment plan. We did a body scan. Which isn't a test with a machine. It's a mindfulness exercise. You mentally scan your whole body and really focus on each part of you. And notice how you are feeling in each part of your body. For instance any tension you might have. It was an interesting exercise. But something happened during that focusing. We got to the upper body. The man on the cd said the word throat. Just one simple word during an exercise. It sent my mind spiraling out of control. Immediately I was in a flashback. I visualized my husband over my children cutting their throats. It was gory and very upsetting to me. It happened really fast like within 5 minutes. During that 5 minutes I was at war with my head. I was seeing this horrible scene, at the same time I was asking myself did it look like this? Was there a spray of blood? All kinds of terrifying thoughts. Then I tried to refocus on the exercise. I was telling myself not to go there. I started questioning my mind. Why would one word do this to me? Why can't I do this exercise without having an issue? Keep in mind this all happened in my head in just a few minutes. After we were done we talked about what I thought about the body scan. My therapist asked if it helped any. I said yes, that it could be helpful. But then I explained to her what happened. That was the first time that I have had that problem in her office. She was glad I told her. So we will be trying to incorporate the flashback problem into my new treatment plan. I so wish I could just be normal. But this is my normal for the past 8 years. The difference now is that I try really hard not to sit in it. Those things have the potential to bring me down. And they have. Those thoughts have literally wrecked me for days. But now they bother me for just a little while. I'm learning how to redirect my thought patterns.
Baby steps. One thing at a time. I have to keep myself focused on one moment at a time. Otherwise I will just fall right back into my old thinking patterns. I don't want to keep traveling that road. I already know where it goes. It's not a place I want to keep visiting.

This took me two different days to write. So today is new and fresh. I have no idea what will happen today but I am ready for whatever it brings. I'm not going to give up on this fight for a normal life. I don't want to be controlled by this.

Thought for today..... From a withered tree, a flower blooms.