Let's see where to start. I'm feeling a bit down today. Yesterday was my brother's birthday. If he was still alive he would have turned 37. I have been doing really well over the last few months. I have fought hard to calm my demons. And yes I call them demons because that's just what they are. I really thought I would get through this time of year feeling okay. I was wrong. Those troubling thoughts started hitting me a few days back. I was picking Halloween spider webs off of my rose bushes. My mind just started running. It started off with thoughts on Halloween, then switched to scary movies, then it went to the dreaded place (my house). I saw the visions again. It's so real. When I tell you I saw it, I mean I saw it just as clear as actually being there. I relived that moment just as if it was happening to me right then. I know it sounds crazy, but then I imagined ( but I was seeing it in my head). What if I actually walked through the house and saw my children? What would I have done? And I played out a stunned me. And I saw myself take my own life right there in my house so that I could be with my children. All of this went through my head in just minutes. I had to quickly get out of the garden and hug Mike. Of course I cried. But that set the tone for the next couple of days. These flashbacks are very disturbing to say the least. It is so real and so detailed. I still haven't mastered the ability to talk it away. So I have been edgy. Mike and I had what could have been a minor disagreement. But in all truthfulness I was pushed to my rage territory. I controlled it mostly, but I get so ashamed of myself when that comes out. This time I only threw one beer can ( which hit nobody), and grabbed Mike's face. But I didn't hurt him. We are currently not speaking to each other. To continue with my story, it put me in a place where dealing with the date yesterday was very hard. I cried in the morning. Then I wrote to my brother. I am very angry he left his children behind like that. I have his broken son. That boy needed parents who loved him enough to be there for him no matter what. We tried to keep busy all day. Last night my nephew and I started talking about our family and how it isn't the same anymore. He told me about dreams he has had. And how much he wishes his dad was still here. I shared what I wrote with him. He bottles up so much. We talked about that too. We both miss what our family used to be. He misses his best friend and cousin. It's very hard to push through all of these feelings. I took a bath last night and just cried. So I woke up today still feeling a little sick to my stomach. I still have my son's birthday coming up in two weeks. Like I said I can be fine for a while. Then it hits out of nowhere. I can never know exactly when or what daily thing might trigger it. And when it comes I can deal with it sometimes pretty easy. Other times it hits harder and I can't. So my goal for the day is to be present in the here and now. And try to lay all of this to rest. Sometimes my blogs are boring, and then they get interesting. I just wish I was normal, and didn't have to write about any of these things. I sometimes I really have no idea how in the world I still function. My therapist says I'm resilient. I think it's just survival.
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