Sunday, January 29, 2012
feeling much better
I always get amazed at how much difference a day can make. I was taken by surprise last night when Mike came home from work. He brought me some flowers to brighten my day. It was so sweet. It was just what the Dr. ordered. I really needed that. So I feel much better this morning. I texted him as soon as I woke up to say I love you. We had a nice exchange of messages. I used to really hate texting ( not very personal). But it is a great way to talk to him between breaks while he is at work. We both value our relationship. We just have to put some effort into it sometimes to keep it fresh. We have been together for 8 1/2 years. There will be highs and lows along the way. I'm looking forward to the next two days. He will be off of work. I have an idea for us. I can't share it now. He reads this sometimes. But I will post how it goes. So the answer to the question yesterday is..... Yes, I always need to fight! If I didn't I would miss out on the good stuff in life. On that note I will go and spend some time with my wonderful children. Happy Sunday!!!!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
To fight or not to fight that is the question
Interesting title right? Well mostly I'm talking about the fight I have with myself. I still have a lot of inner struggles. I can go along for awhile and feel pretty good. Then life starts to happen and I get all crazy inside myself. Mike and I have our ups and downs like everyone. We had some downs over the last few days. We weren't seeing eye to eye on something. The subject matter hit me at my core. It went against how I was brought up. So no matter what I couldn't make it okay within me. He saw no problem, so there we are. We now have a problem!!! I think over the last 6 months or so we have taken a turn in our relationship. Things haven't been the same. Everyone goes through these kinds of times. But in my trying to work on me and him sitting in his I don't know what, we are losing us. That is something I never thought would happen. So feeling like that and add an argument to it. Well it turns into an ugly situation. We say all kinds of stuff to each other, which cuts deeply. So that of course isn't helping us to feel very close to each other. It's only making us further apart. Needless to say the other night I had another wild nightmare. Death stays on my mind. It sounds bad I know. But lately with things being how they are I'm always thinking to myself is it all worth it? Well the dream I had was basically me fighting to stay alive. Someone who I did not know was trying to kill me. I was fighting with all I had. I was being cut during my struggles. I ran and still managed to end up where this man was. My dream switched to a woman who was picking up where this man left off. She caught me and was restraining me by laying her body on top of me so I couldn't move. I could literally feel the weight on me. I couldn't move. She was getting ready to kill me and I woke up. I felt the weight on my chest and I was soaked with sweat. These things are so real. Last night I was scared to go to sleep. When I'm under some sort of stress in my life, I become a target for these horrible things. My workbook says they are scary passengers on the bus I drive. The bus is my life, I drive it ( or steer where my life will go). These thoughts, feelings, fears all of the aspects that come with the trauma (they are the passengers). When these passengers get so loud and scary I steer the bus in the wrong direction. Once I get lost, it takes me a bit to find my way again. I can tell you that driving through the bad part of town is no fun. It just keeps the fear and anxiety alive. So the reason for my title is, do I fight or not fight? I know the answer is that I need to. It's just that it takes a lot of energy and strength. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any left. Maybe I should have posted on here sooner. But sometimes I don't want to seem like I have lost my mind. Because it feels like it. I guess that is all I wanted to get out for now. I'm going to try to push through my day. I will post soon.
Friday, January 20, 2012
hello
I'm just checking in this morning. I plan on working on my next chapter in my workbook today. Hopefully there will be some good stuff in there for me to share. Not much out of the ordinary going on. Last night I took my little girl with me to walk the dog. It was nice. She was very talkative about school. Today is the 100th day of school. She was looking very forward to it. It was really cute to listen to her and watched the big smile on her face. Again I'm trying to pay attention to the important things that are right in front of me everyday. I will post again soon.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
back on track
Okay everybody, everything is back. Mike and I worked together over the last two days to get all my posts put back on. I had a therapy session yesterday. It went very well. We went over a good bit of things. My treatment plan for one. Then we got into my workbook. This go around my treatment is going to consist of a lot of work. It may even be harder than it's been so far. I am really looking forward to it. By the end of all of this work, I am going to be a more comfortable person. Meaning I am going to be okay with myself and my life. I have learned that I have to look at the original pain as a learning experience. I can't fix what happened. But what can I take away from it. And I don't just mean heartbreak. That will always be there. I am learning a great deal about myself. I know the things that I want to be different in my life now. I am looking at the mistakes I have made. This journey is about healing, but also it's about so much more. It's a self discovery. What am I made of ? What do I want to make of my life? Sorry I pitched an all out temper tantrum and deleted everything. It's for me. It's my journal. When I'm feeling really upset I need to reach out and ask for help. I don't always do that. I learned a valuable lesson out of this. And I worked on fixing everything that was going haywire in my home. We now have an understanding of what everyone is expected to do. So we will all continue to work on our roles in the house as well as what we need to do for ourselves. Thanks for sticking with me through all of my ups and Downs. I appreciate everything my dear friends have said. I will be posting regularly now so keep checking in. Thank you for following.
Under construction
1/15/12
Please be patient with me. I'm trying to get all the posts I deleted back on. So you will notice a date on the first line of the posts. That will be when I originally posted it. It's going to take me a couple of days. So just keep checking back. I will have it done soon. Thanks
Please be patient with me. I'm trying to get all the posts I deleted back on. So you will notice a date on the first line of the posts. That will be when I originally posted it. It's going to take me a couple of days. So just keep checking back. I will have it done soon. Thanks
Okay
1/12/12
I really do have my blog for myself. I hope everyone does know that. I had a really bad Sunday. I posted about it before I deleted it all. Our next door neighbor recently moved back into his house. Long story as to our situation with him. But he left the house with his mother-in-law. We have had a good relationship with her. To make a long story short he brought 4 pit bulls back with him. They are in a pen in the back yard. On Sunday one got loose and came to our garage and focused it's attention on to our cat. To make a long story short, police were called, he wasn't home. His family at home wouldn't catch the dog. They had words with officer, a $1400 citation was issued. Because we called some nasty words were exchanged. My anxiety for the whole day was extremely high and so was Mike's. The day ended with us in a nasty arguement. My ugly side came to the surface. The next day we weren't speaking. He had already told me once he didn't like my posting about our stuff, because it's public like facebook. So out of anger and frustration I deleted everything because I felt my outlets weren't allowed. After my therapy session I was deeply upset by what I did. I have it all on my computer now. But I can't get it back on my blog. So I just have to start fresh. The bottom line is the blog is mine and mine alone. It's shared with whomever decides to read it. But it's my thoughts and my feelings no matter who thinks it's wrong or right. This is my healing process on display. And it's a process!!!!! I'm not going to do or say everything right. I'm still learning and trying to move forward. My thinking process and behaviors are still influenced by my trauma. I have deeply imbedded behavior and survival mechanisms based off my previous life. I didn't learn it all over night, and I certainly won't unlearn it all over night. And that is okay. Anything I do now no matter how big or small to be different in my thinking and actions is an improvement. When I fall down I just have to get up and keep going. I have to learn from my mistakes. Which I am doing. My therapist says I will mature as time goes by. It's like anything your learning to do. You won't always get everything right. But the more you do it the better you will get. So that is where I will leave it today.
I really do have my blog for myself. I hope everyone does know that. I had a really bad Sunday. I posted about it before I deleted it all. Our next door neighbor recently moved back into his house. Long story as to our situation with him. But he left the house with his mother-in-law. We have had a good relationship with her. To make a long story short he brought 4 pit bulls back with him. They are in a pen in the back yard. On Sunday one got loose and came to our garage and focused it's attention on to our cat. To make a long story short, police were called, he wasn't home. His family at home wouldn't catch the dog. They had words with officer, a $1400 citation was issued. Because we called some nasty words were exchanged. My anxiety for the whole day was extremely high and so was Mike's. The day ended with us in a nasty arguement. My ugly side came to the surface. The next day we weren't speaking. He had already told me once he didn't like my posting about our stuff, because it's public like facebook. So out of anger and frustration I deleted everything because I felt my outlets weren't allowed. After my therapy session I was deeply upset by what I did. I have it all on my computer now. But I can't get it back on my blog. So I just have to start fresh. The bottom line is the blog is mine and mine alone. It's shared with whomever decides to read it. But it's my thoughts and my feelings no matter who thinks it's wrong or right. This is my healing process on display. And it's a process!!!!! I'm not going to do or say everything right. I'm still learning and trying to move forward. My thinking process and behaviors are still influenced by my trauma. I have deeply imbedded behavior and survival mechanisms based off my previous life. I didn't learn it all over night, and I certainly won't unlearn it all over night. And that is okay. Anything I do now no matter how big or small to be different in my thinking and actions is an improvement. When I fall down I just have to get up and keep going. I have to learn from my mistakes. Which I am doing. My therapist says I will mature as time goes by. It's like anything your learning to do. You won't always get everything right. But the more you do it the better you will get. So that is where I will leave it today.
WOW
1/10/12
I deleted all of my posts the other day. It seems nobody noticed. That is okay though because this is my story that I'm journaling. If my therapist reads this she will be happy to know that I managed to save what I almost lost. I felt so bad today for having done that action out of anger. Feeling distressed does funny things to you. I got my new treatment plan today. I'm feeling very happy about where we are going. I have to come up with some goals for my future. I'm trying to be kind to myself today. This weekend ended in a very stressful way. I feel bad for how things went. I heard something today which I keep playing in my head. No judgement!!!! I have to put on my big girl pants and do right. I did just that. Things are much better. Just wanted to get my blog back going. Be back soon.
I deleted all of my posts the other day. It seems nobody noticed. That is okay though because this is my story that I'm journaling. If my therapist reads this she will be happy to know that I managed to save what I almost lost. I felt so bad today for having done that action out of anger. Feeling distressed does funny things to you. I got my new treatment plan today. I'm feeling very happy about where we are going. I have to come up with some goals for my future. I'm trying to be kind to myself today. This weekend ended in a very stressful way. I feel bad for how things went. I heard something today which I keep playing in my head. No judgement!!!! I have to put on my big girl pants and do right. I did just that. Things are much better. Just wanted to get my blog back going. Be back soon.
Not much change today
1/9/12
Well I still feel just as bad as I did last night. I'm jittery this morning. Mike and I are not speaking. It's okay, I don't want to say anything at this point. When I open my mouth something comes out wrong. Somehow today (not sure when) I want to try to work on some of my stuff for therapy. Mostly what went wrong yesterday was that I did not take time out to address how high my levels were. I did for a moment think about taking a bath and playing my calming music. But I felt so sick. I just had a cup of hot tea and went outside with mike. Outside was not a good idea because like I said our eyes and conversations would end up being focused on next door. I'm not sure how good blogging is anymore. That happens to be another thing I don't do right. Mike is uncomfortable with my writing about our family stuff on here. So I don't have a lot of outlets left. Just my therapy. Because he says we are so broke I feel like I have to be careful not to spend any of our money on things. So I don't know how long therapy will continue. He wants me to work. Which is fine, but I don't have skills and I haven't had a job in like 8 years. So it will be minimum wage. Not sure how I will be able to get Cody to school. Anyway that will be my problem nobody else's. I don't want anyone to think bad of my husband. He just can't get over money issues. It stays locked in his head. I can only deal with me. That is all I have the power to do. I think I might not post on here for awhile. Ive been feeling like I'm talking to myself anyway. Which I do enough of that without sitting on a computer. That is all folks. Thanks for reading.
Well I still feel just as bad as I did last night. I'm jittery this morning. Mike and I are not speaking. It's okay, I don't want to say anything at this point. When I open my mouth something comes out wrong. Somehow today (not sure when) I want to try to work on some of my stuff for therapy. Mostly what went wrong yesterday was that I did not take time out to address how high my levels were. I did for a moment think about taking a bath and playing my calming music. But I felt so sick. I just had a cup of hot tea and went outside with mike. Outside was not a good idea because like I said our eyes and conversations would end up being focused on next door. I'm not sure how good blogging is anymore. That happens to be another thing I don't do right. Mike is uncomfortable with my writing about our family stuff on here. So I don't have a lot of outlets left. Just my therapy. Because he says we are so broke I feel like I have to be careful not to spend any of our money on things. So I don't know how long therapy will continue. He wants me to work. Which is fine, but I don't have skills and I haven't had a job in like 8 years. So it will be minimum wage. Not sure how I will be able to get Cody to school. Anyway that will be my problem nobody else's. I don't want anyone to think bad of my husband. He just can't get over money issues. It stays locked in his head. I can only deal with me. That is all I have the power to do. I think I might not post on here for awhile. Ive been feeling like I'm talking to myself anyway. Which I do enough of that without sitting on a computer. That is all folks. Thanks for reading.
Not much good
1/8/12
I am starting to feel like I do all of this for nothing. I have had a horrible day!!!! My nerves have been shot out to the point of physical sickness. We had an issue today with our neighbors pit bull getting loose. This is how I was woke up this morning. The dog came to our garage and was staring down our cat and Mike. He panicked and that set the tone. He tried to knock on their door to alert them. But no one answered. So after a little time he called the sheriff's office. Needless to say the officer was not having this situation. He didn't like it one bit. He and the neighbors exchanged some not very nice words. It ended with them getting a citation for $1400 and us being told if it comes to our house just shoot it. Mike and one of the ladies next door got into it. She was totally nasty. She called Mike a cracker and said he shouldn't have children and he is just a drunk. I was trying so hard to get through all of this. I was sick to my stomach and had the chills. I had to lay down on the couch. But now all I could think about for the day is we are now going to have a problem with that house. The guy who actually owns the dogs was not home. We have already had an issue with him over this 2 years ago. We all tried to go on with our day, but the nasty lady kept watching everything we did all day. And it seems all of us couldn't keep from bringing the subject up again and again. This ultimately kept my nerves on edge the entire day. At the 6:00pm hour the man who owns the dogs came over to speak to us. Which I can tell you sent my blood pressure through the roof. To our surprise he was very good. He apologized and said he holds nothing against us. He was smiling and also told us he was sorry about the stuff that was said by his aunt. I thought that was great!!! The problem is I don't do well with chronic stress. Because I was on high alert all day I was doomed to lose myself. So Mike and I got into it and all of the pressure that built up in me all day was right at the surface. I got lost in anger and so did Mike. Things were said that honestly I can't come back from. So I walked my dog and cried. I am currently fighting myself with thoughts of it's just not worth it. When all is said and done I'm always the one at fault. I know it wasn't meant the way it was put, but last night I said this was going to happen. So I heard today that it was my words that set this in motion today. Because I said it the dog did it. I know that it is not my doing, but my mind recorded it and at the end of the day it's all my fault. I AM TIRED OF IT ALL AND MY THOUGHTS!!!!!! I need to go to bed soon. I was just hoping that if I wrote it would help me feel better. Sometimes getting stuff out of your head works. But that is not the case tonight. I'm shivering again and my stomach is twisting. I hate my anxiety.
I am starting to feel like I do all of this for nothing. I have had a horrible day!!!! My nerves have been shot out to the point of physical sickness. We had an issue today with our neighbors pit bull getting loose. This is how I was woke up this morning. The dog came to our garage and was staring down our cat and Mike. He panicked and that set the tone. He tried to knock on their door to alert them. But no one answered. So after a little time he called the sheriff's office. Needless to say the officer was not having this situation. He didn't like it one bit. He and the neighbors exchanged some not very nice words. It ended with them getting a citation for $1400 and us being told if it comes to our house just shoot it. Mike and one of the ladies next door got into it. She was totally nasty. She called Mike a cracker and said he shouldn't have children and he is just a drunk. I was trying so hard to get through all of this. I was sick to my stomach and had the chills. I had to lay down on the couch. But now all I could think about for the day is we are now going to have a problem with that house. The guy who actually owns the dogs was not home. We have already had an issue with him over this 2 years ago. We all tried to go on with our day, but the nasty lady kept watching everything we did all day. And it seems all of us couldn't keep from bringing the subject up again and again. This ultimately kept my nerves on edge the entire day. At the 6:00pm hour the man who owns the dogs came over to speak to us. Which I can tell you sent my blood pressure through the roof. To our surprise he was very good. He apologized and said he holds nothing against us. He was smiling and also told us he was sorry about the stuff that was said by his aunt. I thought that was great!!! The problem is I don't do well with chronic stress. Because I was on high alert all day I was doomed to lose myself. So Mike and I got into it and all of the pressure that built up in me all day was right at the surface. I got lost in anger and so did Mike. Things were said that honestly I can't come back from. So I walked my dog and cried. I am currently fighting myself with thoughts of it's just not worth it. When all is said and done I'm always the one at fault. I know it wasn't meant the way it was put, but last night I said this was going to happen. So I heard today that it was my words that set this in motion today. Because I said it the dog did it. I know that it is not my doing, but my mind recorded it and at the end of the day it's all my fault. I AM TIRED OF IT ALL AND MY THOUGHTS!!!!!! I need to go to bed soon. I was just hoping that if I wrote it would help me feel better. Sometimes getting stuff out of your head works. But that is not the case tonight. I'm shivering again and my stomach is twisting. I hate my anxiety.
Control is the issue
1/5/12
I just got home from taking my nephew to the doctor, I got some laundry going and thought I would write. Yesterday I said I was going to do some work in my book. I did just that. What a revelation! I mean I knew I had control issues (mike would say that all the time). But it is a whole section in my workbook. People who are dealing with traumatic events in their lives tend to use control as a coping skill. Which is why I went so overboard. To me control was a sense of safety. If I kept control of my surroundings and the people in my environment, then I would be okay. Nothing bad would happen to the people I love and I wouldn't get hurt. At least that is what I thought. The funny thing is I didn't do that on purpose. It just kind of happened. My mind just took over. The results were that I did get hurt and the people around me got hurt. It made life for all of us a disaster. Nobody has control over anything except themselves. So this crazy cycle was at play for many many years. It started in my first marriage. It was my way of dealing with a husband who was always causing some kind of nonsense in our lives. It worked for a time. It helped me keep balance to a certain extent. But then it got worse. In the end I had no control over what would end up happening. I had no control over him. He showed me that by taking away our family. Well at the time I didn't have this insight. I couldn't see that fact until now. I was beginning to understand how my need to control my environment was causing unneeded mess in the family I currently have. Doing that work in the book yesterday opened my eyes even wider. I can see and understand how silly trying to control things can be. Some level of control is good in life, don't get me wrong. We do have control over ourselves. But when it goes into over drive the results will most certainly turn out badly. It helped my perspective on life. I will work on that issue. I have been, but I will try harder to be aware of myself in that regard. I want to have a happy and loving home. And I can have that as long as everyone gets to be an individual as well as a member of the family unit. So this was a good thing for me. I didn't talk about this with anyone last night. I just felt good. I relaxed in the evening with my famous bubble bath and my new CD. It was really beautiful music. I love it!!!!!! It will be part of my self care routine. Unwinding to that music. The CD is titled Lavender. Which is supposed to be helpful in calming and soothing you. I love the smell of Lavender. Now I love the sound of it. I'm feeling well about everything so far. At this moment I have a sense of peace with myself. Today the war I wage on myself (in my head) is relatively calm. Very few bumps so far. It doesn't mean things won't come up. But right now I'm just enjoying the calmness within myself. The goal will be for more of these kind of days and less of the inner war kind of days. Hope all of you reading are in good spirits as well. And if not, just keep trying because this too shall pass. Lots of love and peace to you all. I will post tomorrow.
I just got home from taking my nephew to the doctor, I got some laundry going and thought I would write. Yesterday I said I was going to do some work in my book. I did just that. What a revelation! I mean I knew I had control issues (mike would say that all the time). But it is a whole section in my workbook. People who are dealing with traumatic events in their lives tend to use control as a coping skill. Which is why I went so overboard. To me control was a sense of safety. If I kept control of my surroundings and the people in my environment, then I would be okay. Nothing bad would happen to the people I love and I wouldn't get hurt. At least that is what I thought. The funny thing is I didn't do that on purpose. It just kind of happened. My mind just took over. The results were that I did get hurt and the people around me got hurt. It made life for all of us a disaster. Nobody has control over anything except themselves. So this crazy cycle was at play for many many years. It started in my first marriage. It was my way of dealing with a husband who was always causing some kind of nonsense in our lives. It worked for a time. It helped me keep balance to a certain extent. But then it got worse. In the end I had no control over what would end up happening. I had no control over him. He showed me that by taking away our family. Well at the time I didn't have this insight. I couldn't see that fact until now. I was beginning to understand how my need to control my environment was causing unneeded mess in the family I currently have. Doing that work in the book yesterday opened my eyes even wider. I can see and understand how silly trying to control things can be. Some level of control is good in life, don't get me wrong. We do have control over ourselves. But when it goes into over drive the results will most certainly turn out badly. It helped my perspective on life. I will work on that issue. I have been, but I will try harder to be aware of myself in that regard. I want to have a happy and loving home. And I can have that as long as everyone gets to be an individual as well as a member of the family unit. So this was a good thing for me. I didn't talk about this with anyone last night. I just felt good. I relaxed in the evening with my famous bubble bath and my new CD. It was really beautiful music. I love it!!!!!! It will be part of my self care routine. Unwinding to that music. The CD is titled Lavender. Which is supposed to be helpful in calming and soothing you. I love the smell of Lavender. Now I love the sound of it. I'm feeling well about everything so far. At this moment I have a sense of peace with myself. Today the war I wage on myself (in my head) is relatively calm. Very few bumps so far. It doesn't mean things won't come up. But right now I'm just enjoying the calmness within myself. The goal will be for more of these kind of days and less of the inner war kind of days. Hope all of you reading are in good spirits as well. And if not, just keep trying because this too shall pass. Lots of love and peace to you all. I will post tomorrow.
Staying positive
1/4/12
I got to make it to therapy yesterday. The kids had a dentist appointment at the same time. So Mike went with me. She didn't have my new plan ready yet. That is okay, she always has something good in store for me. We did however talk a little bit about flashbacks. I still haven't fully addressed that subject. I agree with the things we talked about. I have to put in to play a plan on how to get back to the present when that happens. For the most part I already try to do that. But I still haven't mastered the skills I need to pull myself out. So I have a paper with a basic plan written on it that I can go over. It is one more tool for my tool kit. I had an idea yesterday. I was thinking I want some kind of organized files for my tool kit. And label things according to what problem it addresses. That way when I get into some trouble, or just need to refresh myself on something I don't have to fumble through all of my papers. I have to get organized. Also another aspect of my treatment will focus on self care. I have to admit that I don't always do so good at that. We talked about how women especially tend to do for everyone else and leave themselves out. I have begun some things for me. Like this blog and my walks with Brutus. I just need to implement a few more things to really take care of me. I almost forgot, she gave me a great gift yesterday. As part of my sessions sometimes she puts on a cd of the most beautiful relaxing music. I really love it. She got me my own copy for home. I was surprised. But most importantly, I am so happy!!!!! That will be part of my relaxation technique for unwinding. I was very happy to see my therapist yesterday. I know one day my therapy will stop, but it really has been a life saver. They say things happen for a reason. I guess my meltdown was good, it landed me in her office. I am getting more grounded. I guess that will be where I leave off for now. I need to do some work in my workbook.
I got to make it to therapy yesterday. The kids had a dentist appointment at the same time. So Mike went with me. She didn't have my new plan ready yet. That is okay, she always has something good in store for me. We did however talk a little bit about flashbacks. I still haven't fully addressed that subject. I agree with the things we talked about. I have to put in to play a plan on how to get back to the present when that happens. For the most part I already try to do that. But I still haven't mastered the skills I need to pull myself out. So I have a paper with a basic plan written on it that I can go over. It is one more tool for my tool kit. I had an idea yesterday. I was thinking I want some kind of organized files for my tool kit. And label things according to what problem it addresses. That way when I get into some trouble, or just need to refresh myself on something I don't have to fumble through all of my papers. I have to get organized. Also another aspect of my treatment will focus on self care. I have to admit that I don't always do so good at that. We talked about how women especially tend to do for everyone else and leave themselves out. I have begun some things for me. Like this blog and my walks with Brutus. I just need to implement a few more things to really take care of me. I almost forgot, she gave me a great gift yesterday. As part of my sessions sometimes she puts on a cd of the most beautiful relaxing music. I really love it. She got me my own copy for home. I was surprised. But most importantly, I am so happy!!!!! That will be part of my relaxation technique for unwinding. I was very happy to see my therapist yesterday. I know one day my therapy will stop, but it really has been a life saver. They say things happen for a reason. I guess my meltdown was good, it landed me in her office. I am getting more grounded. I guess that will be where I leave off for now. I need to do some work in my workbook.
Starting out the New Year
1/2/12
I am very hopeful for the year of 2012. This year I have a new mindset. Last year was full of up's and down's. And by the end of it I felt I was in a better place. So for this year I want to continue working on myself. Therapy will be promising. I will let you know what my new treatment plan will be. I'm looking very forward to it. I am continuing to be a better person. Now I know things won't be perfect, but I will deal with whatever comes better than I ever have. I'm looking to be more mindful and more peaceful. So here's to 2012 and whatever it brings.
I am very hopeful for the year of 2012. This year I have a new mindset. Last year was full of up's and down's. And by the end of it I felt I was in a better place. So for this year I want to continue working on myself. Therapy will be promising. I will let you know what my new treatment plan will be. I'm looking very forward to it. I am continuing to be a better person. Now I know things won't be perfect, but I will deal with whatever comes better than I ever have. I'm looking to be more mindful and more peaceful. So here's to 2012 and whatever it brings.
Trying
12/30/11
I seem to keep having some sort of issue to deal with. Now it's my teenage nephew. He doesn't know what is good for him. But I have decided that I'm not going to let it bother me. I feel like the best way to deal is to just keep going like everything is fine. If I don't let things turn into an issue then maybe he will realize he is not getting anywhere with his tantrum. Mike and I are looking forward to New Year's. We want to bring it in on a good note. So we will do just that. I hope everyone has a great New Year's. May 2012 bring us all a little more joy in our lives. We just have to remember if we fall, get back up and carry on. Don't forget to take some time out for ourselves at least once a week. And smile more. Appreciate the simple things. That's my New Year's resolution. I'm keeping it simple. And love with your whole heart!!!!!! If I don't post over the weekend, I'll be back in the New Year. Happy New Year everyone.
I seem to keep having some sort of issue to deal with. Now it's my teenage nephew. He doesn't know what is good for him. But I have decided that I'm not going to let it bother me. I feel like the best way to deal is to just keep going like everything is fine. If I don't let things turn into an issue then maybe he will realize he is not getting anywhere with his tantrum. Mike and I are looking forward to New Year's. We want to bring it in on a good note. So we will do just that. I hope everyone has a great New Year's. May 2012 bring us all a little more joy in our lives. We just have to remember if we fall, get back up and carry on. Don't forget to take some time out for ourselves at least once a week. And smile more. Appreciate the simple things. That's my New Year's resolution. I'm keeping it simple. And love with your whole heart!!!!!! If I don't post over the weekend, I'll be back in the New Year. Happy New Year everyone.
New day
12/29/11
Today is Amber's birthday. She is in a great mood. She got to have a sleepover last night. Dylan was sick yesterday, he went to the doctor. Today he seems better. I'm happy about doing Amber's party today. And most importantly Mike and I are doing much better. We had a good talk last night. We woke up in a good mood. I'm going to keep up with my therapy. I have to. I still need to learn coping skills. And no matter what I am doing better than I was. I know it and feel it. One day I will be thriving and not just surviving. Mike and I are of the same mind. So we we hear something hurtful, we don't hear anything else. That is why we couldn't find a resolution. But at least I have learned enough to keep trying and not let a fall keep me down. I want 2012 to be one of my better years. Maybe not financially, but mentally. Guess what? That is how it's going to be, because I want it to be. Positive, positive, positive. The only way to get around a problem is to take it head on. My gratitude list for today is.... Grateful for my family, my therapy, for all that I have, for all that I don't ( it keeps you humble). That is it for now. I will post later.
Today is Amber's birthday. She is in a great mood. She got to have a sleepover last night. Dylan was sick yesterday, he went to the doctor. Today he seems better. I'm happy about doing Amber's party today. And most importantly Mike and I are doing much better. We had a good talk last night. We woke up in a good mood. I'm going to keep up with my therapy. I have to. I still need to learn coping skills. And no matter what I am doing better than I was. I know it and feel it. One day I will be thriving and not just surviving. Mike and I are of the same mind. So we we hear something hurtful, we don't hear anything else. That is why we couldn't find a resolution. But at least I have learned enough to keep trying and not let a fall keep me down. I want 2012 to be one of my better years. Maybe not financially, but mentally. Guess what? That is how it's going to be, because I want it to be. Positive, positive, positive. The only way to get around a problem is to take it head on. My gratitude list for today is.... Grateful for my family, my therapy, for all that I have, for all that I don't ( it keeps you humble). That is it for now. I will post later.
Not sure
12/28/11
Let me start by saying hello. I have to say the last 24 hours has been really horrible. My emotions have been all over the place. I personally think I held too much inside over the last week. Between Katherine's birthday and the anniversary of my brother passing. Mike and I ended up having a misunderstanding on Monday evening. It turned really ugly. The ugly was on my part. I felt my anger rising up inside and I couldn't seem to help myself. Nothing physical just words. But still it wasn't good. So I don't know where we go from here. It seems for the last few months we have been drifting apart somewhat. Maybe it's all the stuff we have on our plates. I don't know, I just know I miss my best friend. And I miss the times we used to spend together just us. I worked some in my workbook yesterday, that didn't help matters either. It was pain vs. suffering. I realize I add a lot of suffering to the picture. But it's a cycle. Hopefully I will learn how to stop adding rings of suffering to my original pain. Until then I still feel like it's a never ending nightmare. I can keep a grip for a time. Then things seem to get overwhelming again. Mike told me yesterday to quit my therapy and meds. Because I am going through a spell he said it's not working. It was hurtful. I feel over all it's been helping a lot. My support group (meaning friends and family) is very small. Mike doesn't really try to understand. If I'm okay he is okay. That is his motto. I see that to be true. Sometimes I don't know what is happening. I just get flooded and I lose my balance. I mean it when I say I hate my head. Those memories and feelings are locked in there. I can't forget them no matter how hard I try. That has been the problem. I have tried to control my head. So that I can stay normal. Whatever that means. What is normal? I wanted the New Year to be good. I was hoping to get some of this crap I have been going through under some sort of control. The key word CONTROL. I can't do that. Control of my thoughts and feelings is what has landed me here. I have to ride it out, not put a stop to it. What I feel is what I feel. If nobody likes it, that's too bad. Even if it's members of my own house. I don't like how I feel a lot of the time. But I have to allow myself to feel it. The only way around the issue is to go through it. I need this blog.... not for all of you who read it, but for me. It's my outlet. My venting session. If it helps one of you, GREAT. But I'm trying to help myself. For the first time in my life, I am trying to do something to help me. Being the person I am, I worry about everyone else. I was like that even in school. I always worried about what other people thought. Or if they liked me. I don't care anymore. If I am not doing okay for myself, then I can't do anything for anyone else. That is part of my trauma. I did too much for my family. And let my husband dictate how are lives were going to be. (which was mostly chaos). I learned to leave myself behind and fix everything so we had some stability. Of coarse I tried to be the best mom I could. I will always try to do that. I just have to be the best me I can. On that note. I am not sure how to be right now, but I am working on it.
The best and safest thing is to keep balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise person.
Let me start by saying hello. I have to say the last 24 hours has been really horrible. My emotions have been all over the place. I personally think I held too much inside over the last week. Between Katherine's birthday and the anniversary of my brother passing. Mike and I ended up having a misunderstanding on Monday evening. It turned really ugly. The ugly was on my part. I felt my anger rising up inside and I couldn't seem to help myself. Nothing physical just words. But still it wasn't good. So I don't know where we go from here. It seems for the last few months we have been drifting apart somewhat. Maybe it's all the stuff we have on our plates. I don't know, I just know I miss my best friend. And I miss the times we used to spend together just us. I worked some in my workbook yesterday, that didn't help matters either. It was pain vs. suffering. I realize I add a lot of suffering to the picture. But it's a cycle. Hopefully I will learn how to stop adding rings of suffering to my original pain. Until then I still feel like it's a never ending nightmare. I can keep a grip for a time. Then things seem to get overwhelming again. Mike told me yesterday to quit my therapy and meds. Because I am going through a spell he said it's not working. It was hurtful. I feel over all it's been helping a lot. My support group (meaning friends and family) is very small. Mike doesn't really try to understand. If I'm okay he is okay. That is his motto. I see that to be true. Sometimes I don't know what is happening. I just get flooded and I lose my balance. I mean it when I say I hate my head. Those memories and feelings are locked in there. I can't forget them no matter how hard I try. That has been the problem. I have tried to control my head. So that I can stay normal. Whatever that means. What is normal? I wanted the New Year to be good. I was hoping to get some of this crap I have been going through under some sort of control. The key word CONTROL. I can't do that. Control of my thoughts and feelings is what has landed me here. I have to ride it out, not put a stop to it. What I feel is what I feel. If nobody likes it, that's too bad. Even if it's members of my own house. I don't like how I feel a lot of the time. But I have to allow myself to feel it. The only way around the issue is to go through it. I need this blog.... not for all of you who read it, but for me. It's my outlet. My venting session. If it helps one of you, GREAT. But I'm trying to help myself. For the first time in my life, I am trying to do something to help me. Being the person I am, I worry about everyone else. I was like that even in school. I always worried about what other people thought. Or if they liked me. I don't care anymore. If I am not doing okay for myself, then I can't do anything for anyone else. That is part of my trauma. I did too much for my family. And let my husband dictate how are lives were going to be. (which was mostly chaos). I learned to leave myself behind and fix everything so we had some stability. Of coarse I tried to be the best mom I could. I will always try to do that. I just have to be the best me I can. On that note. I am not sure how to be right now, but I am working on it.
The best and safest thing is to keep balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise person.
After Christmas post
12/26/11
We all got through the holiday very happy. I had a great time with my parents. Amber has been sick for a week now. So she was up and down with her moods. I took her to the doctor today. She has a sinus infection and lots of fluid in her ears. I sure hope that the sickness stuff winds down after the new year. I'm slowly trying to get my house in some sort of order. The holidays always leave you with mess to straighten up. But it's all good. The kids had a great Christmas. Santa left them some good stuff. I have to find time this week to read in my workbook. I see the therapist on Thursday. Which also happens to be Amber's birthday. I have to figure out what we are going to do for her. I will get all of these things figured out soon enough. Today I'm just really tired. Anyway I hope everyone had a good holiday. I will post again soon.
We all got through the holiday very happy. I had a great time with my parents. Amber has been sick for a week now. So she was up and down with her moods. I took her to the doctor today. She has a sinus infection and lots of fluid in her ears. I sure hope that the sickness stuff winds down after the new year. I'm slowly trying to get my house in some sort of order. The holidays always leave you with mess to straighten up. But it's all good. The kids had a great Christmas. Santa left them some good stuff. I have to find time this week to read in my workbook. I see the therapist on Thursday. Which also happens to be Amber's birthday. I have to figure out what we are going to do for her. I will get all of these things figured out soon enough. Today I'm just really tired. Anyway I hope everyone had a good holiday. I will post again soon.
Happy Holidays
12/24/11
So far things have been going well today. No one has been down and out over the day. I know it's been on all of our minds, but we have all been keeping busy. So many times of the year that can bring me down. But not today. My kids are very excited about Santa coming tonight. That makes me happy. They left cookies and milk out. Can't wait for the morning!!!! I will blog more later. Just wanted to check in and say my family and I are hanging in there. Have a Merry Christmas everyone.
So far things have been going well today. No one has been down and out over the day. I know it's been on all of our minds, but we have all been keeping busy. So many times of the year that can bring me down. But not today. My kids are very excited about Santa coming tonight. That makes me happy. They left cookies and milk out. Can't wait for the morning!!!! I will blog more later. Just wanted to check in and say my family and I are hanging in there. Have a Merry Christmas everyone.
Note to my dear Katherine
12/22/11
Well today is my daughter Katherines' 13th birthday. I have been trying to get through the day in a positive way. I have to say that I did get hit with some strong emotion earlier. But I'm okay. I decided to get out of the house and go to Walmart. I took Amber to McDonald's. Which is something Katherine and I used to do. Amber's favorite happy meal happens to be the same as Katherine. Chicken nuggets. So I felt my Angel with me today. Also it has been raining all day. So that is my positive visual for her. She is the rain.
My dear sweet Katherine, Happy Birthday. You would be entering the wonderful world of teenagers. I wonder what you would look like now. I'm sure you would be very pretty. I wonder what kinds of activities you would be into. You were always the active one. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I will always love you. I still cry. I'm just trying to keep in mind the happy memories of you. My little shadow. You were definitely mommies girl. I promise you and your brother and sister that I will be okay. I will celebrate your lives. I will forever be grateful to have had you in my life. You all taught me alot about being a mom. Happy Birthday sweetheart!!!!!!
Well today is my daughter Katherines' 13th birthday. I have been trying to get through the day in a positive way. I have to say that I did get hit with some strong emotion earlier. But I'm okay. I decided to get out of the house and go to Walmart. I took Amber to McDonald's. Which is something Katherine and I used to do. Amber's favorite happy meal happens to be the same as Katherine. Chicken nuggets. So I felt my Angel with me today. Also it has been raining all day. So that is my positive visual for her. She is the rain.
My dear sweet Katherine, Happy Birthday. You would be entering the wonderful world of teenagers. I wonder what you would look like now. I'm sure you would be very pretty. I wonder what kinds of activities you would be into. You were always the active one. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I will always love you. I still cry. I'm just trying to keep in mind the happy memories of you. My little shadow. You were definitely mommies girl. I promise you and your brother and sister that I will be okay. I will celebrate your lives. I will forever be grateful to have had you in my life. You all taught me alot about being a mom. Happy Birthday sweetheart!!!!!!
One thing at a time
12/16/11
We finally got Mikes' car going yesterday. It was something electrical. It took the auto shop about 2 hours and it was done. We are happy that it's fixed. We are still struggling with our finances. Who isn't right? We ended up with all said and done spending about $200 to fix the car. At the end of it all, Mikes' paycheck is gone and he just got it yesterday. But everything is paid up. I just couldn't get much from the grocery store. I'm trying to be grateful for what we do have. I wouldn't be human if it didn't bother me some. These times sure are trying. The good thing is we got over one obstacle. We still have the ticket to worry about. But right now I'm looking forward to the kids being home for a couple of weeks. I think family time will be the theme for the holidays. Which is what it should be. I have a therapy session today, we are going to talk about the changes we are making to my treatment plan. I feel good about that. It's nice to have therapy that is working. My symptoms aren't completely gone, but they are less intense. I seem to have more normal days than I do bad ones. I have to think about Katherines' birthday coming up on the 22nd. Positive, positive, positive!!!!! I have to keep that in my brain. It's a time to reflect on the life she had. So I will figure out something to acknowledge her birthday. I have to be honest I feel really sad writing that. It's also been a long time since I wrote her name. I feel a loss for words at the moment. I took a long pause, my mind is running. I can't help but think of her question to me before she died. Mommy what would you do if I died? I still can't believe my 4 yr old asked me that. My response was, I would cry for a long time. Then I told her not to worry about that, because nothing was going to happen to her. Well we know now that I couldn't have been more wrong. Even though I'm working so hard on trying to heal, there is not one day that goes by I don't think of them. I still feel deeply sad. My heart still aches. And sometimes like right now, I feel like my heart has actually been ripped out. A parent should not have to live on without their children. And that is a concept that is still hard for me to deal with. See it is a funny thing, one moment I am fine. Something gets said or a thought enters my mind, and it all changes. I can get right back to square one. I'm just happy I was doing this blog. I can write out my feelings as they are happening. Which doesn't usually happen. Most of the time I'm just in my head. I want to pause here and finish this later today. I have a feeling my mindset will be different after therapy. Hang in there with me through these next few weeks. I will be leaning on you through my writing.
Well I went to my appointment. I left feeling very excited about the ideas we came up with for my new treatment plan. We did a body scan. Which isn't a test with a machine. It's a mindfulness exercise. You mentally scan your whole body and really focus on each part of you. And notice how you are feeling in each part of your body. For instance any tension you might have. It was an interesting exercise. But something happened during that focusing. We got to the upper body. The man on the cd said the word throat. Just one simple word during an exercise. It sent my mind spiraling out of control. Immediately I was in a flashback. I visualized my husband over my children cutting their throats. It was gory and very upsetting to me. It happened really fast like within 5 minutes. During that 5 minutes I was at war with my head. I was seeing this horrible scene, at the same time I was asking myself did it look like this? Was there a spray of blood? All kinds of terrifying thoughts. Then I tried to refocus on the exercise. I was telling myself not to go there. I started questioning my mind. Why would one word do this to me? Why can't I do this exercise without having an issue? Keep in mind this all happened in my head in just a few minutes. After we were done we talked about what I thought about the body scan. My therapist asked if it helped any. I said yes, that it could be helpful. But then I explained to her what happened. That was the first time that I have had that problem in her office. She was glad I told her. So we will be trying to incorporate the flashback problem into my new treatment plan. I so wish I could just be normal. But this is my normal for the past 8 years. The difference now is that I try really hard not to sit in it. Those things have the potential to bring me down. And they have. Those thoughts have literally wrecked me for days. But now they bother me for just a little while. I'm learning how to redirect my thought patterns.
Baby steps. One thing at a time. I have to keep myself focused on one moment at a time. Otherwise I will just fall right back into my old thinking patterns. I don't want to keep traveling that road. I already know where it goes. It's not a place I want to keep visiting.
This took me two different days to write. So today is new and fresh. I have no idea what will happen today but I am ready for whatever it brings. I'm not going to give up on this fight for a normal life. I don't want to be controlled by this.
Thought for today..... From a withered tree, a flower blooms.
We finally got Mikes' car going yesterday. It was something electrical. It took the auto shop about 2 hours and it was done. We are happy that it's fixed. We are still struggling with our finances. Who isn't right? We ended up with all said and done spending about $200 to fix the car. At the end of it all, Mikes' paycheck is gone and he just got it yesterday. But everything is paid up. I just couldn't get much from the grocery store. I'm trying to be grateful for what we do have. I wouldn't be human if it didn't bother me some. These times sure are trying. The good thing is we got over one obstacle. We still have the ticket to worry about. But right now I'm looking forward to the kids being home for a couple of weeks. I think family time will be the theme for the holidays. Which is what it should be. I have a therapy session today, we are going to talk about the changes we are making to my treatment plan. I feel good about that. It's nice to have therapy that is working. My symptoms aren't completely gone, but they are less intense. I seem to have more normal days than I do bad ones. I have to think about Katherines' birthday coming up on the 22nd. Positive, positive, positive!!!!! I have to keep that in my brain. It's a time to reflect on the life she had. So I will figure out something to acknowledge her birthday. I have to be honest I feel really sad writing that. It's also been a long time since I wrote her name. I feel a loss for words at the moment. I took a long pause, my mind is running. I can't help but think of her question to me before she died. Mommy what would you do if I died? I still can't believe my 4 yr old asked me that. My response was, I would cry for a long time. Then I told her not to worry about that, because nothing was going to happen to her. Well we know now that I couldn't have been more wrong. Even though I'm working so hard on trying to heal, there is not one day that goes by I don't think of them. I still feel deeply sad. My heart still aches. And sometimes like right now, I feel like my heart has actually been ripped out. A parent should not have to live on without their children. And that is a concept that is still hard for me to deal with. See it is a funny thing, one moment I am fine. Something gets said or a thought enters my mind, and it all changes. I can get right back to square one. I'm just happy I was doing this blog. I can write out my feelings as they are happening. Which doesn't usually happen. Most of the time I'm just in my head. I want to pause here and finish this later today. I have a feeling my mindset will be different after therapy. Hang in there with me through these next few weeks. I will be leaning on you through my writing.
Well I went to my appointment. I left feeling very excited about the ideas we came up with for my new treatment plan. We did a body scan. Which isn't a test with a machine. It's a mindfulness exercise. You mentally scan your whole body and really focus on each part of you. And notice how you are feeling in each part of your body. For instance any tension you might have. It was an interesting exercise. But something happened during that focusing. We got to the upper body. The man on the cd said the word throat. Just one simple word during an exercise. It sent my mind spiraling out of control. Immediately I was in a flashback. I visualized my husband over my children cutting their throats. It was gory and very upsetting to me. It happened really fast like within 5 minutes. During that 5 minutes I was at war with my head. I was seeing this horrible scene, at the same time I was asking myself did it look like this? Was there a spray of blood? All kinds of terrifying thoughts. Then I tried to refocus on the exercise. I was telling myself not to go there. I started questioning my mind. Why would one word do this to me? Why can't I do this exercise without having an issue? Keep in mind this all happened in my head in just a few minutes. After we were done we talked about what I thought about the body scan. My therapist asked if it helped any. I said yes, that it could be helpful. But then I explained to her what happened. That was the first time that I have had that problem in her office. She was glad I told her. So we will be trying to incorporate the flashback problem into my new treatment plan. I so wish I could just be normal. But this is my normal for the past 8 years. The difference now is that I try really hard not to sit in it. Those things have the potential to bring me down. And they have. Those thoughts have literally wrecked me for days. But now they bother me for just a little while. I'm learning how to redirect my thought patterns.
Baby steps. One thing at a time. I have to keep myself focused on one moment at a time. Otherwise I will just fall right back into my old thinking patterns. I don't want to keep traveling that road. I already know where it goes. It's not a place I want to keep visiting.
This took me two different days to write. So today is new and fresh. I have no idea what will happen today but I am ready for whatever it brings. I'm not going to give up on this fight for a normal life. I don't want to be controlled by this.
Thought for today..... From a withered tree, a flower blooms.
Still hanging in there
12/12/11
We had an interesting weekend. Our luck was no good on fixing Mikes' car. We tried a few things and couldn't resolve the problem. So Wednesday it will go to the shop. We think it could be something electrical. I hope it's not very expensive. We are already in the hole for $120. Oh well what can you do? We really are trying hard to keep our minds calm. Mike and I both agree that getting really upset and acting out of stress, doesn't help anything. It could actually make it worse. The kids came home from school today very excited. I had given them some money to go to the Santa shop at school. They had a list of who to buy for. They did very well. Amber was the better shopper. She got something for everyone. And two of us got two gifts. Plus she bought something for herself, and had 50 cents left over. It was too funny. I will be very excited to see what they got everyone. I'm so happy that they are learning the joy of giving. I will post as the week goes on.
We had an interesting weekend. Our luck was no good on fixing Mikes' car. We tried a few things and couldn't resolve the problem. So Wednesday it will go to the shop. We think it could be something electrical. I hope it's not very expensive. We are already in the hole for $120. Oh well what can you do? We really are trying hard to keep our minds calm. Mike and I both agree that getting really upset and acting out of stress, doesn't help anything. It could actually make it worse. The kids came home from school today very excited. I had given them some money to go to the Santa shop at school. They had a list of who to buy for. They did very well. Amber was the better shopper. She got something for everyone. And two of us got two gifts. Plus she bought something for herself, and had 50 cents left over. It was too funny. I will be very excited to see what they got everyone. I'm so happy that they are learning the joy of giving. I will post as the week goes on.
Feeling our way through
12/10/11
Good day everyone. I am starting the day off once again trying to stay in a positive frame of mind. It seems life just wants to throw stuff at us to see if we will break. Well I still have more fight left in me. Amber is doing well in spite of her accident. She spent the night at her friend's house last night. She is tough. Yesterday was a little crazy trying to figure out a solution to fixing Mike's car. We are only going to tackle one problem at a time. And worry about one day at a time. In our experience over the last few weeks, there is always something else around the corner that you will have to deal with. I am almost positive many of you are going through varies trials and tribulations also. It seems to be the way of the world now. I still want to appreciate all I can, while I can. Even though we can't finish our Christmas shopping, we are just going to roll with it and enjoy family time. After all that's what it's really about anyway. So try to hang in there. And if you can take 10 minutes to yourself and just relax. Listen to some calming music. Ladies take a bubble bath ( they are great for relaxing) Or just have some quiet time. It goes a long way in keeping you from losing your mind all together. Trust me I know.
Thought for today...... We are so busy watching out for what's ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Good day everyone. I am starting the day off once again trying to stay in a positive frame of mind. It seems life just wants to throw stuff at us to see if we will break. Well I still have more fight left in me. Amber is doing well in spite of her accident. She spent the night at her friend's house last night. She is tough. Yesterday was a little crazy trying to figure out a solution to fixing Mike's car. We are only going to tackle one problem at a time. And worry about one day at a time. In our experience over the last few weeks, there is always something else around the corner that you will have to deal with. I am almost positive many of you are going through varies trials and tribulations also. It seems to be the way of the world now. I still want to appreciate all I can, while I can. Even though we can't finish our Christmas shopping, we are just going to roll with it and enjoy family time. After all that's what it's really about anyway. So try to hang in there. And if you can take 10 minutes to yourself and just relax. Listen to some calming music. Ladies take a bubble bath ( they are great for relaxing) Or just have some quiet time. It goes a long way in keeping you from losing your mind all together. Trust me I know.
Thought for today...... We are so busy watching out for what's ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
It's always something
12/8/11
Well trying to maintain a good attitude sure is hard. Mike's car broke down last night on his way home. He had to push it into a gas station parking lot. So imagine this.... I went to get him. We tried to figure out how to go about getting his car home. We are very broke. No money to have his car towed. It was dark since it was close to 8:00pm. So we were going to try to pull it home with my car. The question was do we do it in the dark? Or do we wait until Friday when he is off of work and it's daytime? I thought at night there is less traffic than the daytime. So we went for it. This had to be about 20 miles going 35 mph. It was so nerve racking!!!!!! Mike was very nervous about doing this in the dark. We did it!!!! But now we only have one car. I'm not sure when we have the money to get it fixed. This could have really ruined our night. It did, but we both tried to keep a smile. We are happy the car is home and not at a gas station. We tried to relax and watch a movie last night. The movie was probably good. And from what my nephew said there was no more gruesome scenes. But I saw a woman being stabbed up and bloody. She was being murdered. I went to my room. Mike came with me. We watched something else. But it was close to bedtime. Needless to say I had a nightmare last night. I had a feeling that would happen. So from 2:00am onward I didn't sleep much. I woke up frequently. I hate when that happens. I get up feeling left over feelings from the dream. But I'm trying to let that go. Mike borrowed our neighbor's truck to go to work. So I can still make it to my therapy appointment. I am going to save this in drafts for now. I have to get ready. I want to finish this after I get back. I'm sure I will feel much better then.
Well I sure do have a lot more to add. I did feel better after therapy today. But on the way there my gas tank was on empty. I was trying to find a shell station so I could use our gas card. Like I said I only had $15 in the bank. When I left from therapy my gas light came on. I was on a search for the gas station. I found one in the nick of time. I was so relieved. My appointment went well. We talked about my blog and all that has been going on. She is happy to see how well I am doing. So we talked about making up a new treatment plan. We are going to work a lot more on mindfulness techniques. Also we will work on how to deal with my flashbacks, since those can still be a problem. I have to think about what I want to add to that. So I have some thinking to do. But I'm very excited about the idea of working on some different things. With that being said more happened in my day.
I got home and felt really happy with things. I was helping my nephew with some of his studying for his finals. My kids came home while I was doing that. So I redirected my focus onto them. I got them settled in, and started on their homework. Amber's friend really wanted her to come over and play. I spoke with her dad and we agreed she could go over at 3:30. He came to pick her up and we agreed on our usual time to have her home which was around 5:30. So I saw her off and came back inside to help Dylan finish his homework. I think she was gone 15 or 20 minutes. Dylan's friend from across the street came over to ask if Amber was at her friends house. He said that they heard Amber crying. I said I'm sure she is okay, because if she wasn't they would call me. It was 5 minutes and they were here. Amber had fell off their back porch. She was screaming. Her friend was crying hysterically. My poor neighbor, he was a wreck. His shirt was bloody and he was carrying Amber. She split her chin. It was bad. So off to the hospital we went. After we got in an exam room I realized she also bit her tongue pretty bad. Long story short, she got 3 stitches in her chin. They can't do anything about her tongue. So she can't eat. She tried so hard. Even ice cream hurt. I have to wonder what else is going to go wrong. The sky seems to be falling down on us.
With all of that I have managed to keep a smile. I was reassuring my neighbor that she would be okay. I told his daughter not to cry, that Amber will be fine. I got in my car calmly and drove to the hospital. I managed to calm Amber down before we got there.
Mike and I have just surrendered to the fact that things are going to go wrong. We just have to be happy it wasn't worse. We will tackle one thing at a time. I took Amber by her friends house on the way home. They were happy to see she was okay. Her friend gave her a minnie mouse doll to help her feel better. It was very sweet. They really are the best of friends. I find that to be very endearing. Again we could look at the bad and only see bad. But out of all of this I see two little girls who are developing a very beautiful friendship. The love and concern they have for each other is awesome. I'm grateful to be a witness to that. It is a rare flower in this world of weeds.
Thought for the day..... Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.
It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
Well trying to maintain a good attitude sure is hard. Mike's car broke down last night on his way home. He had to push it into a gas station parking lot. So imagine this.... I went to get him. We tried to figure out how to go about getting his car home. We are very broke. No money to have his car towed. It was dark since it was close to 8:00pm. So we were going to try to pull it home with my car. The question was do we do it in the dark? Or do we wait until Friday when he is off of work and it's daytime? I thought at night there is less traffic than the daytime. So we went for it. This had to be about 20 miles going 35 mph. It was so nerve racking!!!!!! Mike was very nervous about doing this in the dark. We did it!!!! But now we only have one car. I'm not sure when we have the money to get it fixed. This could have really ruined our night. It did, but we both tried to keep a smile. We are happy the car is home and not at a gas station. We tried to relax and watch a movie last night. The movie was probably good. And from what my nephew said there was no more gruesome scenes. But I saw a woman being stabbed up and bloody. She was being murdered. I went to my room. Mike came with me. We watched something else. But it was close to bedtime. Needless to say I had a nightmare last night. I had a feeling that would happen. So from 2:00am onward I didn't sleep much. I woke up frequently. I hate when that happens. I get up feeling left over feelings from the dream. But I'm trying to let that go. Mike borrowed our neighbor's truck to go to work. So I can still make it to my therapy appointment. I am going to save this in drafts for now. I have to get ready. I want to finish this after I get back. I'm sure I will feel much better then.
Well I sure do have a lot more to add. I did feel better after therapy today. But on the way there my gas tank was on empty. I was trying to find a shell station so I could use our gas card. Like I said I only had $15 in the bank. When I left from therapy my gas light came on. I was on a search for the gas station. I found one in the nick of time. I was so relieved. My appointment went well. We talked about my blog and all that has been going on. She is happy to see how well I am doing. So we talked about making up a new treatment plan. We are going to work a lot more on mindfulness techniques. Also we will work on how to deal with my flashbacks, since those can still be a problem. I have to think about what I want to add to that. So I have some thinking to do. But I'm very excited about the idea of working on some different things. With that being said more happened in my day.
I got home and felt really happy with things. I was helping my nephew with some of his studying for his finals. My kids came home while I was doing that. So I redirected my focus onto them. I got them settled in, and started on their homework. Amber's friend really wanted her to come over and play. I spoke with her dad and we agreed she could go over at 3:30. He came to pick her up and we agreed on our usual time to have her home which was around 5:30. So I saw her off and came back inside to help Dylan finish his homework. I think she was gone 15 or 20 minutes. Dylan's friend from across the street came over to ask if Amber was at her friends house. He said that they heard Amber crying. I said I'm sure she is okay, because if she wasn't they would call me. It was 5 minutes and they were here. Amber had fell off their back porch. She was screaming. Her friend was crying hysterically. My poor neighbor, he was a wreck. His shirt was bloody and he was carrying Amber. She split her chin. It was bad. So off to the hospital we went. After we got in an exam room I realized she also bit her tongue pretty bad. Long story short, she got 3 stitches in her chin. They can't do anything about her tongue. So she can't eat. She tried so hard. Even ice cream hurt. I have to wonder what else is going to go wrong. The sky seems to be falling down on us.
With all of that I have managed to keep a smile. I was reassuring my neighbor that she would be okay. I told his daughter not to cry, that Amber will be fine. I got in my car calmly and drove to the hospital. I managed to calm Amber down before we got there.
Mike and I have just surrendered to the fact that things are going to go wrong. We just have to be happy it wasn't worse. We will tackle one thing at a time. I took Amber by her friends house on the way home. They were happy to see she was okay. Her friend gave her a minnie mouse doll to help her feel better. It was very sweet. They really are the best of friends. I find that to be very endearing. Again we could look at the bad and only see bad. But out of all of this I see two little girls who are developing a very beautiful friendship. The love and concern they have for each other is awesome. I'm grateful to be a witness to that. It is a rare flower in this world of weeds.
Thought for the day..... Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.
It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
A little bump in the road
12/7/11
Sorry it's been a couple of days since I last posted. We have had some things going on. Mike's car has had some trouble. And when he tried to address the issue he made it worse. So we aren't sure how it will pan out. I watched him over the last two days get himself in such a frazzle. We also found out his ticket is going to cost $181. This is very bad news considering we have no money. I can't even finish Christmas shopping. I have been trying to keep myself level. And for the most part I have. But I do have to say it is wearing on me a little bit. I need to do some sort of stretching. My neck and upper back muscles are so soar. It's from tension. I'm not going to let it defeat me though. I still have a choice to be positive or negative. Today I tried to get some more done in my workbook. I have to say it was hard. My mind has been running too much for me to concentrate. If Mike makes it home ok in his car tonight, then I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. If something happens and he doesn't then I will have to cancel it. I'm hoping all goes well. I need a boost right about now. I'm also very tired today. I had to sleep on the floor last night with my dog. He is so huge, but also the biggest baby in the world. He doesn't like it when it rains. He won't sleep. He just whines and paces the house. If I pet him he stops. The only way to get him to settle down is to lay on the floor with him. So I did. He even put his head on my pillow. It wasn't the most comfortable way to sleep. It sounds silly. I can't believe how much I bend for him. He is part of my therapy. He makes me so happy. He has the cutest face. I really love my dog. Actually I just thought about it. It took me from my issues to help him with his. He was a stray. Who knows what happened to him while he was loose. Maybe some trauma? Who knows. We help each other. So it's a good tired that I feel. The weather has changed today. It is very cold and windy. No sun. It doesn't make you feel very energized. That's okay though. I will have a fire in our fireplace tonight. That is always very nice. I hope all of you reading are having a good day. If not just keep on going. Look at positive things. Try not to give the crap going on in life too much energy. It will be there tomorrow. And who knows maybe tomorrow something will change, and your outlook a little brighter. I will post soon.
Thought for today.....
Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequence of any misfortune.
Sorry it's been a couple of days since I last posted. We have had some things going on. Mike's car has had some trouble. And when he tried to address the issue he made it worse. So we aren't sure how it will pan out. I watched him over the last two days get himself in such a frazzle. We also found out his ticket is going to cost $181. This is very bad news considering we have no money. I can't even finish Christmas shopping. I have been trying to keep myself level. And for the most part I have. But I do have to say it is wearing on me a little bit. I need to do some sort of stretching. My neck and upper back muscles are so soar. It's from tension. I'm not going to let it defeat me though. I still have a choice to be positive or negative. Today I tried to get some more done in my workbook. I have to say it was hard. My mind has been running too much for me to concentrate. If Mike makes it home ok in his car tonight, then I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. If something happens and he doesn't then I will have to cancel it. I'm hoping all goes well. I need a boost right about now. I'm also very tired today. I had to sleep on the floor last night with my dog. He is so huge, but also the biggest baby in the world. He doesn't like it when it rains. He won't sleep. He just whines and paces the house. If I pet him he stops. The only way to get him to settle down is to lay on the floor with him. So I did. He even put his head on my pillow. It wasn't the most comfortable way to sleep. It sounds silly. I can't believe how much I bend for him. He is part of my therapy. He makes me so happy. He has the cutest face. I really love my dog. Actually I just thought about it. It took me from my issues to help him with his. He was a stray. Who knows what happened to him while he was loose. Maybe some trauma? Who knows. We help each other. So it's a good tired that I feel. The weather has changed today. It is very cold and windy. No sun. It doesn't make you feel very energized. That's okay though. I will have a fire in our fireplace tonight. That is always very nice. I hope all of you reading are having a good day. If not just keep on going. Look at positive things. Try not to give the crap going on in life too much energy. It will be there tomorrow. And who knows maybe tomorrow something will change, and your outlook a little brighter. I will post soon.
Thought for today.....
Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequence of any misfortune.
Power of the mind
12/4/11
Have you ever stopped to think about the power of your mind? I don't think many of us stop to think very much on how any part of our bodies work. I know I haven't. Some of my exercises that I do in my workbook and with my therapist focus on that. It helps you pay attention to you. I have had a whole new appreciation for my body. For instance have you thought about how much load your feet carry everyday? They have a hard job. Or how much you use your hands to do everyday things. What would you do without them? Those things might be easy to think about. But what about the power of your mind? The way your mind works is more powerful than any other part of your body. Your mindset dictates your actions and thoughts. If your negative, your thoughts and actions will be negative. The same goes for positive. Have you stopped to think about how much that plays a role in your over all health? It's something to think about. I have been doing a lot of paying attention to myself. With the tragedy that was thrown my way, and the passing of my brother, it was easier to just sink in the awfulness of it. Working on your mind is hard. It takes so much work and constant practice. Anyone who has depression, anxiety disorders, anything like that, might think they are stuck. I know I certainly did. I felt crazy, and there was no hope of ever getting any better. Again I say, the power of the mind.... it can make or break you. So many behaviors are learned. Whether they are good or bad, they are learned. Our lives are so hard now. I remember when I was little how much simpler life was. And times where hard for our parents. But these days it's hard for everyone. Adults and kids alike. The world is very negative. Think about it. Do you hear very many good stories on the news? It's always about who robbed who, who killed who, what parents did to their own children. So we have been conditioned to see and hear (and focus) on negative things. You might not have even thought about it very much. Cartoons for kids are violent or just plain vulgar. Video games are the worst. You shoot people, rob people, it shows blood and gore and foul language. And everyone wants to know what is wrong with people these days. Or why kids have no respect for anything. It's the power of the mind. What you feed your mind is just as important as the food we put in our bodies. Our thoughts can be changed. You just have to feed your mind the right stuff. I have been so happy at the progress I have made. We still have crap to deal with. We always will. But the way we react to it can make it worse. I have been keeping a positive attitude and I feel less stressed. Our minds are constantly bombarded with stuff. Sometimes you just need 10 minutes of quiet. Do you ever just sit for 10 minutes with no television or radio? When things are quiet it helps you to be able to regroup. Positive thoughts and positive things help you feel more positive about life. I had to stop writing this today because I got a phone call, and I needed to clean the house. While I was cleaning my mind was running. It went to my children who died. I focused on that for who knows how long. I was cleaning and thinking. Then it got to bad stuff. Things that I have felt guilty about ( which weren't my doing). But the same kind of thoughts that bring me down and keep me there. If I would have let it, those thoughts would have definitely ruined my day. I had to rise above my own self. I said to myself, you can't go there. Don't do this Wendy, change your mindset. I did. I just emptied my mind. See I could have let my mind run away to the dark side. But I had to feed it something good. Which ended up being the laughter of my two kids playing in their room. I hope that some of you reading will think about that. Changing our minds ( thought patterns) takes a lot of practice. I'm still working on it myself. But I find the rewards are a step towards inner peace. I'm in a good place right now. How long will that last? I don't know. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We have right now. And right now I'm good. I am discovering myself. And for the first time in my life, I like me. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor!!!!
Thought for today.........
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they are supposed to help you discover who you are.
Have you ever stopped to think about the power of your mind? I don't think many of us stop to think very much on how any part of our bodies work. I know I haven't. Some of my exercises that I do in my workbook and with my therapist focus on that. It helps you pay attention to you. I have had a whole new appreciation for my body. For instance have you thought about how much load your feet carry everyday? They have a hard job. Or how much you use your hands to do everyday things. What would you do without them? Those things might be easy to think about. But what about the power of your mind? The way your mind works is more powerful than any other part of your body. Your mindset dictates your actions and thoughts. If your negative, your thoughts and actions will be negative. The same goes for positive. Have you stopped to think about how much that plays a role in your over all health? It's something to think about. I have been doing a lot of paying attention to myself. With the tragedy that was thrown my way, and the passing of my brother, it was easier to just sink in the awfulness of it. Working on your mind is hard. It takes so much work and constant practice. Anyone who has depression, anxiety disorders, anything like that, might think they are stuck. I know I certainly did. I felt crazy, and there was no hope of ever getting any better. Again I say, the power of the mind.... it can make or break you. So many behaviors are learned. Whether they are good or bad, they are learned. Our lives are so hard now. I remember when I was little how much simpler life was. And times where hard for our parents. But these days it's hard for everyone. Adults and kids alike. The world is very negative. Think about it. Do you hear very many good stories on the news? It's always about who robbed who, who killed who, what parents did to their own children. So we have been conditioned to see and hear (and focus) on negative things. You might not have even thought about it very much. Cartoons for kids are violent or just plain vulgar. Video games are the worst. You shoot people, rob people, it shows blood and gore and foul language. And everyone wants to know what is wrong with people these days. Or why kids have no respect for anything. It's the power of the mind. What you feed your mind is just as important as the food we put in our bodies. Our thoughts can be changed. You just have to feed your mind the right stuff. I have been so happy at the progress I have made. We still have crap to deal with. We always will. But the way we react to it can make it worse. I have been keeping a positive attitude and I feel less stressed. Our minds are constantly bombarded with stuff. Sometimes you just need 10 minutes of quiet. Do you ever just sit for 10 minutes with no television or radio? When things are quiet it helps you to be able to regroup. Positive thoughts and positive things help you feel more positive about life. I had to stop writing this today because I got a phone call, and I needed to clean the house. While I was cleaning my mind was running. It went to my children who died. I focused on that for who knows how long. I was cleaning and thinking. Then it got to bad stuff. Things that I have felt guilty about ( which weren't my doing). But the same kind of thoughts that bring me down and keep me there. If I would have let it, those thoughts would have definitely ruined my day. I had to rise above my own self. I said to myself, you can't go there. Don't do this Wendy, change your mindset. I did. I just emptied my mind. See I could have let my mind run away to the dark side. But I had to feed it something good. Which ended up being the laughter of my two kids playing in their room. I hope that some of you reading will think about that. Changing our minds ( thought patterns) takes a lot of practice. I'm still working on it myself. But I find the rewards are a step towards inner peace. I'm in a good place right now. How long will that last? I don't know. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We have right now. And right now I'm good. I am discovering myself. And for the first time in my life, I like me. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor!!!!
Thought for today.........
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they are supposed to help you discover who you are.
Challenges
12/3/11
Good day everyone. I say that because it's morning for me right now, but it may be a different time of day for each one of you who reads this. I wanted to take a moment and talk about challenges. What a word. What do you think about when you think of that word? I personally think PROBLEMS. But really they are just challenges. Something to rise above. Something to work through. And when you do, you are a better person. You learn something about yourself. You learn what your made of. It can actually enrich your life. I know, what a load of crap!!! But no it's not. Let me tell you about my day yesterday after I posted my blog. My son has been struggling with his breathing all week. I figured he caught the same cold virus his sister had. So I didn't panic. I treated him all week with his breathing treatments. ( both kids have asthma). On Thursday I even gave him a double breathing treatment. Which the Dr. instructed me to do when it gets really bad. Well, no help. He never improved. So I scheduled an appointment for him at 1:15 yesterday afternoon. I pulled him and his sister out of school so we could go. Well the Dr. said I had been doing everything right all week. He took a listen to his lungs. Well then the news came. You must take him to the hospital for a chest x-ray. It sounds like he has pneumonia. We need to be sure. He told me to come right back to the office once we did that. So after an hour of sitting at the outpatient center, we got his x-ray done. Anyone with kids should know they hate sitting and waiting for long periods of time. So all I heard was, mom how long have we been here? Are we going to be here for a long time? Mom I want to go home? That was fine, we had to do what we had to do. My kids are generally well behaved. So they sat pretty still through it all. So we went back to the Dr. Which is only across the street from the hospital. Then we had to wait some more. The hospital had to call the results in to the Dr. So it was probably another 30 minutes waiting before the Dr called us back. Before we even made it into the exam room, he said... well he certainly does have pneumonia in the lower lobe on one side, the upper on the other side. And it's creeping into the other two lobes. He wanted an oxygen saturation immediately. Thank God it was 97. If it was 94 or below he would be in children's hospital right now. Instead he gave my son one of the most awful shots ever. He warned me that it would be very painful. And that he doesn't give this shot unless absolutely necessary. He said it would be equivalent to an over night stay in the hospital with I.V. medicine. Needless to say I had to hold my son by the arms so he wouldn't hit the nurse. He was laid out on the exam table, they had to give him this in his thigh. The syringe was full of medicine. So not like an immunization shot! He screamed so loud the whole place could hear him. He was yelling out... Mom please, make them stop. Mom please, it's so painful, please make them stop. It was the worst thing in the world. The Dr. came back in and apologized to my little guy for hurting him. He cried so badly for like 10 minutes after. The Dr. said it was no joke, that shot hurts a lot. Basically the Dr said he was almost at double pneumonia and this was nothing to shrug off. This was why his breathing treatments weren't helping. He can't do much this weekend. But it's better than the hospital. Well I got home 4 hours after I left. I felt sad and relieved. I get through the evening. Then my husband comes home from work. He's about 20 minutes late. He said hello to our son. But he looked like something was wrong. He had tried to rush coming home. And got pulled over. So now we have a traffic ticket to worry about. Normally I would have lost it. I would have run my mouth. But I didn't. I asked what happened. I could see Mike was very upset. I just gave him a hug. What are you going to do? It's done. You can't go back and change it. We will get through these challenges. I said yesterday I chose to be happy. And I was. I was happy my son was home and not in the hospital. I was happy Mike was home safe. We all were together. We will figure out the rest. For me that is a lot of CHANGE. You have to try to get through things gracefully. At least that's my thought. Mike said I was so worried you were going to be mad. And instead your making me laugh. He said my attitude helped him feel a little better about it. You never know how much you may be helping someone else as you try to feel your way through life's challenges. It could be someone right in your own home. So today I am grateful for my family. And I am grateful for the choice to be positive or negative. I choose to be positive.
Here is my thought for the day.........
We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining balance in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.
We always have a choice. What's yours for today?
Good day everyone. I say that because it's morning for me right now, but it may be a different time of day for each one of you who reads this. I wanted to take a moment and talk about challenges. What a word. What do you think about when you think of that word? I personally think PROBLEMS. But really they are just challenges. Something to rise above. Something to work through. And when you do, you are a better person. You learn something about yourself. You learn what your made of. It can actually enrich your life. I know, what a load of crap!!! But no it's not. Let me tell you about my day yesterday after I posted my blog. My son has been struggling with his breathing all week. I figured he caught the same cold virus his sister had. So I didn't panic. I treated him all week with his breathing treatments. ( both kids have asthma). On Thursday I even gave him a double breathing treatment. Which the Dr. instructed me to do when it gets really bad. Well, no help. He never improved. So I scheduled an appointment for him at 1:15 yesterday afternoon. I pulled him and his sister out of school so we could go. Well the Dr. said I had been doing everything right all week. He took a listen to his lungs. Well then the news came. You must take him to the hospital for a chest x-ray. It sounds like he has pneumonia. We need to be sure. He told me to come right back to the office once we did that. So after an hour of sitting at the outpatient center, we got his x-ray done. Anyone with kids should know they hate sitting and waiting for long periods of time. So all I heard was, mom how long have we been here? Are we going to be here for a long time? Mom I want to go home? That was fine, we had to do what we had to do. My kids are generally well behaved. So they sat pretty still through it all. So we went back to the Dr. Which is only across the street from the hospital. Then we had to wait some more. The hospital had to call the results in to the Dr. So it was probably another 30 minutes waiting before the Dr called us back. Before we even made it into the exam room, he said... well he certainly does have pneumonia in the lower lobe on one side, the upper on the other side. And it's creeping into the other two lobes. He wanted an oxygen saturation immediately. Thank God it was 97. If it was 94 or below he would be in children's hospital right now. Instead he gave my son one of the most awful shots ever. He warned me that it would be very painful. And that he doesn't give this shot unless absolutely necessary. He said it would be equivalent to an over night stay in the hospital with I.V. medicine. Needless to say I had to hold my son by the arms so he wouldn't hit the nurse. He was laid out on the exam table, they had to give him this in his thigh. The syringe was full of medicine. So not like an immunization shot! He screamed so loud the whole place could hear him. He was yelling out... Mom please, make them stop. Mom please, it's so painful, please make them stop. It was the worst thing in the world. The Dr. came back in and apologized to my little guy for hurting him. He cried so badly for like 10 minutes after. The Dr. said it was no joke, that shot hurts a lot. Basically the Dr said he was almost at double pneumonia and this was nothing to shrug off. This was why his breathing treatments weren't helping. He can't do much this weekend. But it's better than the hospital. Well I got home 4 hours after I left. I felt sad and relieved. I get through the evening. Then my husband comes home from work. He's about 20 minutes late. He said hello to our son. But he looked like something was wrong. He had tried to rush coming home. And got pulled over. So now we have a traffic ticket to worry about. Normally I would have lost it. I would have run my mouth. But I didn't. I asked what happened. I could see Mike was very upset. I just gave him a hug. What are you going to do? It's done. You can't go back and change it. We will get through these challenges. I said yesterday I chose to be happy. And I was. I was happy my son was home and not in the hospital. I was happy Mike was home safe. We all were together. We will figure out the rest. For me that is a lot of CHANGE. You have to try to get through things gracefully. At least that's my thought. Mike said I was so worried you were going to be mad. And instead your making me laugh. He said my attitude helped him feel a little better about it. You never know how much you may be helping someone else as you try to feel your way through life's challenges. It could be someone right in your own home. So today I am grateful for my family. And I am grateful for the choice to be positive or negative. I choose to be positive.
Here is my thought for the day.........
We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining balance in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.
We always have a choice. What's yours for today?
Hello
12/2/11
Well I decided to cut my medicine back to the original dose. I still feel tired but not as bad. I went to therapy yesterday. It was really great. I told my therapist my plan to get off the medicine within the next few months. My goal is to be free of everything. In the sense that I feel my way through everything and not be dependant of medicine. Don't get me wrong it has been working. I did need it at first. But I want to be able to cope with my life and all that has happened on my own. Does that make any sense? I have learned a lot of coping skills during these months of therapy. I still plan to stick with that. At least for awhile. We are working through a really great workbook. I feel that I have come a long way since April. I have a lot of things going on with my life, and I am present for that. The other stuff is there, and probably always will be to an extent. But I seem to stay more in the present rather than being locked in the past. We can never take back things we said or things we did. Once it's done, it's done. We have to learn to live with ourselves and change things that can be changed. My hardest obstacle was forgiveness. Not so much for others, because I can do that. It was forgiving myself for things I may have said, or things I did, or things I didn't say or do. And that pertains to my family that are no longer. I have had to settle in myself that there is no fixing that situation. I can't resurrect the dead. It's final in the ultimate way. But I am still alive and I have a life to live. I need to live it! So December can also be a bad month. My 2nd daughter's birthday is the 22nd. And December 24th is the 8 year anniversary of my brother's passing. But I will celebrate my daughter. And I will focus on how much Christmas meant to my brother and to all of my children (past and present). So I will make it good. I have learned that each day is what you make it. And thoughts can be changed with enough practice. There is bad everywhere we look. But that doesn't have to be all we see. There is a lot of good if we choose to look. As you can see I feel very optimistic and content today. We won't always be happy with everything all the time. But we can be content with ourselves, and grateful for having anything at all. Being born did not automatically entitle us or guarantee us anything. We would all do well to remember that. Today I'm grateful for life, my family, the ability to feel whatever I'm feeling. I have a choice to be happy or miserable. I'm grateful to have that choice. I choose to be happy today. Think about your gratitude list. What do you have to be grateful for? That notion is not just for Thanksgiving. It's daily. Gratitude, Love, Giving of ones self with no expectations. Those things would make the world a better place. I will leave you with this thought.....
As we rise to meet challenges that are a natural part of living, We awaken to our many undiscovered gifts, to our inner power and our purpose.
Think about that for awhile. I will post soon.
Well I decided to cut my medicine back to the original dose. I still feel tired but not as bad. I went to therapy yesterday. It was really great. I told my therapist my plan to get off the medicine within the next few months. My goal is to be free of everything. In the sense that I feel my way through everything and not be dependant of medicine. Don't get me wrong it has been working. I did need it at first. But I want to be able to cope with my life and all that has happened on my own. Does that make any sense? I have learned a lot of coping skills during these months of therapy. I still plan to stick with that. At least for awhile. We are working through a really great workbook. I feel that I have come a long way since April. I have a lot of things going on with my life, and I am present for that. The other stuff is there, and probably always will be to an extent. But I seem to stay more in the present rather than being locked in the past. We can never take back things we said or things we did. Once it's done, it's done. We have to learn to live with ourselves and change things that can be changed. My hardest obstacle was forgiveness. Not so much for others, because I can do that. It was forgiving myself for things I may have said, or things I did, or things I didn't say or do. And that pertains to my family that are no longer. I have had to settle in myself that there is no fixing that situation. I can't resurrect the dead. It's final in the ultimate way. But I am still alive and I have a life to live. I need to live it! So December can also be a bad month. My 2nd daughter's birthday is the 22nd. And December 24th is the 8 year anniversary of my brother's passing. But I will celebrate my daughter. And I will focus on how much Christmas meant to my brother and to all of my children (past and present). So I will make it good. I have learned that each day is what you make it. And thoughts can be changed with enough practice. There is bad everywhere we look. But that doesn't have to be all we see. There is a lot of good if we choose to look. As you can see I feel very optimistic and content today. We won't always be happy with everything all the time. But we can be content with ourselves, and grateful for having anything at all. Being born did not automatically entitle us or guarantee us anything. We would all do well to remember that. Today I'm grateful for life, my family, the ability to feel whatever I'm feeling. I have a choice to be happy or miserable. I'm grateful to have that choice. I choose to be happy today. Think about your gratitude list. What do you have to be grateful for? That notion is not just for Thanksgiving. It's daily. Gratitude, Love, Giving of ones self with no expectations. Those things would make the world a better place. I will leave you with this thought.....
As we rise to meet challenges that are a natural part of living, We awaken to our many undiscovered gifts, to our inner power and our purpose.
Think about that for awhile. I will post soon.
Starting the day
11/30/11
I'm trying to start my day on a different note. I have been so tired lately that I end up going back to sleep after the kids go to school. I'm still feeling that way, but I'm trying to push through that this morning. It could be my medicine. The doctor increased the dose a couple of weeks ago. I don't like feeling so tired. It's hard to get anything done. Plus we have had some struggles with our bills. Which I know these days that would be most people. I have been trying to handle everything in a good positive frame of mind. But I know that it has been getting the better of me. We need to get through the holidays and then it should get less stressful. (at least that's what I'm telling myself). Mike is going in to work tonight, so I'm going to try to spend some time with him this morning. I will try to post later.
I'm trying to start my day on a different note. I have been so tired lately that I end up going back to sleep after the kids go to school. I'm still feeling that way, but I'm trying to push through that this morning. It could be my medicine. The doctor increased the dose a couple of weeks ago. I don't like feeling so tired. It's hard to get anything done. Plus we have had some struggles with our bills. Which I know these days that would be most people. I have been trying to handle everything in a good positive frame of mind. But I know that it has been getting the better of me. We need to get through the holidays and then it should get less stressful. (at least that's what I'm telling myself). Mike is going in to work tonight, so I'm going to try to spend some time with him this morning. I will try to post later.
After Thanksgiving post
11/29/11
Well I looked at where I left off. My daughter ended up getting sick the day before Thanksgiving. She is mostly better now. Now my son has picked it up. Our time off went well. Thanksgiving was good. We had a party for our neighbor who turned 40. That was really great. We ended the weekend playing cards with our good friends. So it was good. This week has been hard to get back on track. I have been very tired. Hopefully it will get better as the week rolls on. I have only had a few anxiety attacks during all of this. Which is an improvement. I think on the whole I have been maintaining a level mood, no matter what seems to be thrown my way. But I do notice my muscles are extremely tense. I got a huge charlie horse in my neck while I was asleep. So maybe I just turned it all inward. Who knows. Life is stressful sometimes. I just wanted to write while I had a minute. Sorry it's not much, but I have some things to do. I will post soon.
Well I looked at where I left off. My daughter ended up getting sick the day before Thanksgiving. She is mostly better now. Now my son has picked it up. Our time off went well. Thanksgiving was good. We had a party for our neighbor who turned 40. That was really great. We ended the weekend playing cards with our good friends. So it was good. This week has been hard to get back on track. I have been very tired. Hopefully it will get better as the week rolls on. I have only had a few anxiety attacks during all of this. Which is an improvement. I think on the whole I have been maintaining a level mood, no matter what seems to be thrown my way. But I do notice my muscles are extremely tense. I got a huge charlie horse in my neck while I was asleep. So maybe I just turned it all inward. Who knows. Life is stressful sometimes. I just wanted to write while I had a minute. Sorry it's not much, but I have some things to do. I will post soon.
Checking in
11/23/11
I hope everyone has had a good week so far. Today we getting ready to do our Christmas decorating. It should be fun. Last night our daughter had her first sleep over at our house. She was so happy. So I have been up since 6:30 this morning. It turned out really well. The kids had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We will have Thanksgiving by ourselves this year. But I got an invite to our neighbor's house on Saturday for their after Thanksgiving Thanksgiving. So we will enjoy some dinner with good friends. It should be a good 4 days. If I don't blog over the next few days it's just that I'm busy. Happy Thanksgiving!!
I hope everyone has had a good week so far. Today we getting ready to do our Christmas decorating. It should be fun. Last night our daughter had her first sleep over at our house. She was so happy. So I have been up since 6:30 this morning. It turned out really well. The kids had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We will have Thanksgiving by ourselves this year. But I got an invite to our neighbor's house on Saturday for their after Thanksgiving Thanksgiving. So we will enjoy some dinner with good friends. It should be a good 4 days. If I don't blog over the next few days it's just that I'm busy. Happy Thanksgiving!!
Good day
11/21/11
I got some stuff accomplished today. I cleaned my bathrooms this morning. It might sound trivial, but I needed to do it for over a week. I was happy it got done. This week we are going to do Christmas decorating around the house. We will have fun doing that. I'm feeling really positive about where I am right now. So this is good. I've been doing a mindful exercise the last 2 days. I have to walk for 10 minutes and be fully aware of my feet and how they move. And be aware of my surroundings. It's really nice. I don't think I ever paid attention to my feet that much before. I had someone tell me a couple of years ago to look at my feet and focus on where they are, when I'm off on one of my spells. And that it would bring me back to the present. I really had no idea what good advice that really was. So that is what I'm trying to do. And this week when we all are gathered with friends and family, Stop and look at your feet. Pay attention to where you are. No matter what is going on around you, be grateful and happy to be you. Even be grateful for whatever crap you have been dealing with throughout the year. It makes you who you are. I will try to post through the week. But I hope everyone enjoys the holiday.
I got some stuff accomplished today. I cleaned my bathrooms this morning. It might sound trivial, but I needed to do it for over a week. I was happy it got done. This week we are going to do Christmas decorating around the house. We will have fun doing that. I'm feeling really positive about where I am right now. So this is good. I've been doing a mindful exercise the last 2 days. I have to walk for 10 minutes and be fully aware of my feet and how they move. And be aware of my surroundings. It's really nice. I don't think I ever paid attention to my feet that much before. I had someone tell me a couple of years ago to look at my feet and focus on where they are, when I'm off on one of my spells. And that it would bring me back to the present. I really had no idea what good advice that really was. So that is what I'm trying to do. And this week when we all are gathered with friends and family, Stop and look at your feet. Pay attention to where you are. No matter what is going on around you, be grateful and happy to be you. Even be grateful for whatever crap you have been dealing with throughout the year. It makes you who you are. I will try to post through the week. But I hope everyone enjoys the holiday.
Just checking in
11/19/11
Nothing new is going on at the moment. I am catching a cold. So I don't have a lot of energy. Everything seems to be going okay. The kids are out of school all of next week. So we are looking forward to Thanksgiving. I have homework for therapy I will be doing some more work in my workbook. I don't know if my PTSD will ever fully go away, but I sure am trying to get it under control. I have to work harder on relaxation techniques. I would like to end this year and bring in the new one in a much better state of mind. I will post as I can through out this next week. Mike will be off too. So in between family stuff I will keep you all updated. Have a good day no matter what you are doing. Be in the moment
Nothing new is going on at the moment. I am catching a cold. So I don't have a lot of energy. Everything seems to be going okay. The kids are out of school all of next week. So we are looking forward to Thanksgiving. I have homework for therapy I will be doing some more work in my workbook. I don't know if my PTSD will ever fully go away, but I sure am trying to get it under control. I have to work harder on relaxation techniques. I would like to end this year and bring in the new one in a much better state of mind. I will post as I can through out this next week. Mike will be off too. So in between family stuff I will keep you all updated. Have a good day no matter what you are doing. Be in the moment
Feeling good
11/18/11
Yesterday I went to my therapy appointment. It went really well. We talked about how I handled Brandon's birthday. She was happy to hear that I did something to commemorate the day he was born. She said she was wondering how I would be. Because the PTSD would want me to coware down. It usually makes me so full of emotion that I am no good for the day at all. I was a little bit affected. I was shaky and felt a bit sick to my stomach. But I did push through. It feels like a big accomplishment for me to push through the symptoms of my anxiety disorder. We also did some relaxation exercises. I felt really good driving home. Last night was Amber's Thanksgiving play. We have been looking forward to it. It went really well. She was adorable. Kids are so funny to go watch. Some are really confident they know what they are doing. Some get a little lost. Some make faces. It's just so cute. We enjoyed that very much last night. I just wanted to share how the day went. Today my energy is a little down. I feel like I'm catching a cold. So I'm going to take it easy today. I will post soon. Have a great day. No matter what happens it's good to be alive!
Yesterday I went to my therapy appointment. It went really well. We talked about how I handled Brandon's birthday. She was happy to hear that I did something to commemorate the day he was born. She said she was wondering how I would be. Because the PTSD would want me to coware down. It usually makes me so full of emotion that I am no good for the day at all. I was a little bit affected. I was shaky and felt a bit sick to my stomach. But I did push through. It feels like a big accomplishment for me to push through the symptoms of my anxiety disorder. We also did some relaxation exercises. I felt really good driving home. Last night was Amber's Thanksgiving play. We have been looking forward to it. It went really well. She was adorable. Kids are so funny to go watch. Some are really confident they know what they are doing. Some get a little lost. Some make faces. It's just so cute. We enjoyed that very much last night. I just wanted to share how the day went. Today my energy is a little down. I feel like I'm catching a cold. So I'm going to take it easy today. I will post soon. Have a great day. No matter what happens it's good to be alive!
Events of yesterday
11/17/11
I first off want to thank all of you that posted a comment. I'm overwhelmed at the out pouring of comforting statements that each of you made. So once again doing this blog helped me get through. I find that on these special occasions the letters I write to one of my children or to my brother are usually done in my private journal. For some reason yesterday I just felt that it was ok to share with all of you. I did make a cake. And I also made Brandon's favorite dinner ( chili ). So I thought alot about him as the day went on. But I also had to stay in the present thanks to the normal stuff that happens with my kids now. At lunch time I had to go to school and pick up my daughter. She was sick. Which I felt bad for her but she was so cute when she came into the office. She had been crying, her face was all red. And she just wanted to go home. And around dinner time my son had an awful accident in the road while leaving our neighbor's house. He wrecked on his bike and hit his head on the road. It swelled up really bad. Honestly that shot my nerves. But it kept me here in the now. I was needed by the two children who are right here. But after all was said and done. I had a small piece of cake and my hot tea. And I told Brandon happy birthday. I feel that I made it through a day that normally is difficult, pretty well. And I do feel that on their birthday's it's good to do something to acknowledge their life. I have been so consumed over the years in their deaths. But they were alive!!! No matter how short the time was, they were alive. Each one of my kids made my life richer. I need to celebrate the life they had. And the day they were born is something to be happy about. I'm trying really hard to get there. My story is horrible and even to me it sometimes feels unreal. But bad things happen in the world. You think it couldn't happen to me. But you never know. Anything can happen to anyone. The difference now is I'm trying really hard to heal. I have lots of up's and down's. I have alot of stuff to work on. Especially my perception of the things around me. I get so busy scanning everything around me for potential danger, that I sometimes miss out on my own life. It does touch my heart to know that just my writing about what I'm going through, touches those who are reading it. I have to go now. I have a therapy appointment today. I will post soon.
I first off want to thank all of you that posted a comment. I'm overwhelmed at the out pouring of comforting statements that each of you made. So once again doing this blog helped me get through. I find that on these special occasions the letters I write to one of my children or to my brother are usually done in my private journal. For some reason yesterday I just felt that it was ok to share with all of you. I did make a cake. And I also made Brandon's favorite dinner ( chili ). So I thought alot about him as the day went on. But I also had to stay in the present thanks to the normal stuff that happens with my kids now. At lunch time I had to go to school and pick up my daughter. She was sick. Which I felt bad for her but she was so cute when she came into the office. She had been crying, her face was all red. And she just wanted to go home. And around dinner time my son had an awful accident in the road while leaving our neighbor's house. He wrecked on his bike and hit his head on the road. It swelled up really bad. Honestly that shot my nerves. But it kept me here in the now. I was needed by the two children who are right here. But after all was said and done. I had a small piece of cake and my hot tea. And I told Brandon happy birthday. I feel that I made it through a day that normally is difficult, pretty well. And I do feel that on their birthday's it's good to do something to acknowledge their life. I have been so consumed over the years in their deaths. But they were alive!!! No matter how short the time was, they were alive. Each one of my kids made my life richer. I need to celebrate the life they had. And the day they were born is something to be happy about. I'm trying really hard to get there. My story is horrible and even to me it sometimes feels unreal. But bad things happen in the world. You think it couldn't happen to me. But you never know. Anything can happen to anyone. The difference now is I'm trying really hard to heal. I have lots of up's and down's. I have alot of stuff to work on. Especially my perception of the things around me. I get so busy scanning everything around me for potential danger, that I sometimes miss out on my own life. It does touch my heart to know that just my writing about what I'm going through, touches those who are reading it. I have to go now. I have a therapy appointment today. I will post soon.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Special day
11/16/11
I wanted to take a moment to say Happy Birthday Brandon. My very special son would be 19. I miss you very much. How I wonder what you would look like all grown up. What you might be aspiring to be. You will always be locked in my mind at 10 years old. I hope you knew how very proud of you I was. How well you handled the things that were going on. I want to make you a cake today. I still want to celebrate your being born. It was a blessing to have you in my life. I'm just sorry it was such a short time. Tonight Brandon I'm going to have a cup of hot tea and think about the evenings you and I shared doing that. Nobody drinks hot tea with me anymore. I sure did enjoy those times. I am happy and sad all at once today. My love is never ending. You will always be with me in my heart. What a beautiful soul you were. How very honored I am to be your mom. I love you as big as the world. ( as you once said). I miss you more than I could ever put into words. I'm going to celebrate your life today. I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday my dear son.
I wanted to take a moment to say Happy Birthday Brandon. My very special son would be 19. I miss you very much. How I wonder what you would look like all grown up. What you might be aspiring to be. You will always be locked in my mind at 10 years old. I hope you knew how very proud of you I was. How well you handled the things that were going on. I want to make you a cake today. I still want to celebrate your being born. It was a blessing to have you in my life. I'm just sorry it was such a short time. Tonight Brandon I'm going to have a cup of hot tea and think about the evenings you and I shared doing that. Nobody drinks hot tea with me anymore. I sure did enjoy those times. I am happy and sad all at once today. My love is never ending. You will always be with me in my heart. What a beautiful soul you were. How very honored I am to be your mom. I love you as big as the world. ( as you once said). I miss you more than I could ever put into words. I'm going to celebrate your life today. I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday my dear son.
11/15/11
I just wanted to check in, I haven't blogged in a few days. I'm doing okay right at the moment. Tomorrow Is my oldest son's birthday. If he were still alive he would be 19.
I'm not sure how I'm going to be just yet. I have had a couple of anxiety attacks over the last few days. But nothing so far today. I have been doing some exercises in my workbook. It focuses right now on mindfulness. Which is something I need. So I'm trying to keep myself in the present. But I will definitely acknowledge my son on his birthday. Hopefully I will have some busy things to keep my mind occupied. But as I said in my gratitude list I'm grateful for all of my children. Each one of them enriched my life. Just wish I would have had more time. I know we all think that about someone who passes away. But when they are still just kids who were healthy and fine. It seems extra hard. I still can't seem to find any peace in that. It was just senseless. Anyway, I will try to keep up on my blog. It seems to help me work through stuff. I have to get ready to take my nephew to school now. Keep an eye on my sayings to ponder. I will change them out from time to time. Have a good day.
I just wanted to check in, I haven't blogged in a few days. I'm doing okay right at the moment. Tomorrow Is my oldest son's birthday. If he were still alive he would be 19.
I'm not sure how I'm going to be just yet. I have had a couple of anxiety attacks over the last few days. But nothing so far today. I have been doing some exercises in my workbook. It focuses right now on mindfulness. Which is something I need. So I'm trying to keep myself in the present. But I will definitely acknowledge my son on his birthday. Hopefully I will have some busy things to keep my mind occupied. But as I said in my gratitude list I'm grateful for all of my children. Each one of them enriched my life. Just wish I would have had more time. I know we all think that about someone who passes away. But when they are still just kids who were healthy and fine. It seems extra hard. I still can't seem to find any peace in that. It was just senseless. Anyway, I will try to keep up on my blog. It seems to help me work through stuff. I have to get ready to take my nephew to school now. Keep an eye on my sayings to ponder. I will change them out from time to time. Have a good day.
Gratitude list
11/11/11
I wanted to write a gratitude list for today. We were supposed to do that when I was in the hospital. I never continued to do that when I got home. It's something everyone should do. It helps to keep you focused on what is really important in life.
1. I am grateful for being alive today.
2. I am grateful for all of my children ( past and present).
3. I am grateful to have a very loving relationship with my husband.
4. I am grateful for having a roof over my head.
5. I am grateful to have food to eat today.
6. I am grateful for being in good health.
I could make a list bigger than that. But these are the key things I'm grateful for today. I feel good just looking at my list. It makes me happy and appreciate what I have and how lucky I am to have these things in my life. I will be thinking on this today. We always think the grass is greener on the other side. So many of us don't stop to think about what we really have. I personally wanted to take a minute and look at the blessings I have.
I wanted to write a gratitude list for today. We were supposed to do that when I was in the hospital. I never continued to do that when I got home. It's something everyone should do. It helps to keep you focused on what is really important in life.
1. I am grateful for being alive today.
2. I am grateful for all of my children ( past and present).
3. I am grateful to have a very loving relationship with my husband.
4. I am grateful for having a roof over my head.
5. I am grateful to have food to eat today.
6. I am grateful for being in good health.
I could make a list bigger than that. But these are the key things I'm grateful for today. I feel good just looking at my list. It makes me happy and appreciate what I have and how lucky I am to have these things in my life. I will be thinking on this today. We always think the grass is greener on the other side. So many of us don't stop to think about what we really have. I personally wanted to take a minute and look at the blessings I have.
Good day
11/10/11
Sorry I didn't post last night. I got caught up in watching a movie with my wonderful husband. We needed that. It was nice. Today I went to my therapy appointment. It was very good. I shared with my therapist the workbook I'm starting to use. So we will be using that for a while. I feel proud of myself because during this hard time, I was proactive in trying to work on myself. The workbook has some good reading. I am getting things out of it that is really hitting me. I am a work in progress for sure. We never really arrive at a destination, but rather continue on a journey of growth. I'm trying to grow into a better me. There are always going to be ups and downs. I just have to quit getting upset with myself when I have downs. I'm full of self judgement. I will be continuing to work on being mindful. And practicing that technique will be hard at first. But I feel ready and up to the challenge. Today I learned something new in my workbook. Suffering is a secondary problem that comes from trying to push away or avoid pain. And that most suffering comes from projecting into the future or thinking ( sometimes rethinking) about the past. That is me all the way. I'm not living in the moment. I have been hypervigilant for 8 years. Hypervigilant means- being intensely aware of either internal or external experiences. It's an acute sensitivity to the environment around you. Always scanning everyone and everything for the smallest changes that would indicate danger. It can be very exhausting. And I learned in my workbook that sensitivity like that can lead to a lot of misinterpretation. Which I'm sure is what has worn on Mike so much over the years. Not to mention what I have done to myself. I am in constant battle with my mind and my feelings. It has been really hard for me to understand what has been happening to me, so how could I expect anyone else to. So this has been very enlightening. I'm starting to see some of the errors of my thinking. Changing those errors will take time. And I have to learn to be patient with myself. I think that is where I have a hard time. Patience is not always one of my strong suits. I am very happy with myself on one thing and that is I have been sticking with treatment this time. I will continue to do that until I'm sure I have worked through all of my core issues related to the PTSD. I want to be better for me. Then I can be a better me for others. Through talking with my therapist today, I am not going to participate in or talk about the evil or scary side of Halloween. It was a trigger for my awful nightmares and flashbacks. Life for me is different than it was years ago. I have to recognize that and be kind to myself. I have to stick with fun innocent characters for dressing up the kids and ourselves. And no gory or evil things. I am very sensitive to blood. Especially this year because I have been dealing with the trauma head on. It was an evil situation in my house 8 years ago. That is the bottom line. It was the devil doing what he does best. Honestly Halloween is the devil's holiday. I'm not saying we won't go trick or treating. But I am recognizing it for what it is. That to me is progress. Learning what triggers those bad thoughts and feelings and then working on being mindful and present will help to function in my life much better than I have. I'm really excited about that. Today was not just a good day but also a productive one.
The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.-- Zen saying.
That is it for today. I will be posting soon. So check back tomorrow. Thank you for following. And thank you to all who posted a comment over the last few days. It has been helpful.
Sorry I didn't post last night. I got caught up in watching a movie with my wonderful husband. We needed that. It was nice. Today I went to my therapy appointment. It was very good. I shared with my therapist the workbook I'm starting to use. So we will be using that for a while. I feel proud of myself because during this hard time, I was proactive in trying to work on myself. The workbook has some good reading. I am getting things out of it that is really hitting me. I am a work in progress for sure. We never really arrive at a destination, but rather continue on a journey of growth. I'm trying to grow into a better me. There are always going to be ups and downs. I just have to quit getting upset with myself when I have downs. I'm full of self judgement. I will be continuing to work on being mindful. And practicing that technique will be hard at first. But I feel ready and up to the challenge. Today I learned something new in my workbook. Suffering is a secondary problem that comes from trying to push away or avoid pain. And that most suffering comes from projecting into the future or thinking ( sometimes rethinking) about the past. That is me all the way. I'm not living in the moment. I have been hypervigilant for 8 years. Hypervigilant means- being intensely aware of either internal or external experiences. It's an acute sensitivity to the environment around you. Always scanning everyone and everything for the smallest changes that would indicate danger. It can be very exhausting. And I learned in my workbook that sensitivity like that can lead to a lot of misinterpretation. Which I'm sure is what has worn on Mike so much over the years. Not to mention what I have done to myself. I am in constant battle with my mind and my feelings. It has been really hard for me to understand what has been happening to me, so how could I expect anyone else to. So this has been very enlightening. I'm starting to see some of the errors of my thinking. Changing those errors will take time. And I have to learn to be patient with myself. I think that is where I have a hard time. Patience is not always one of my strong suits. I am very happy with myself on one thing and that is I have been sticking with treatment this time. I will continue to do that until I'm sure I have worked through all of my core issues related to the PTSD. I want to be better for me. Then I can be a better me for others. Through talking with my therapist today, I am not going to participate in or talk about the evil or scary side of Halloween. It was a trigger for my awful nightmares and flashbacks. Life for me is different than it was years ago. I have to recognize that and be kind to myself. I have to stick with fun innocent characters for dressing up the kids and ourselves. And no gory or evil things. I am very sensitive to blood. Especially this year because I have been dealing with the trauma head on. It was an evil situation in my house 8 years ago. That is the bottom line. It was the devil doing what he does best. Honestly Halloween is the devil's holiday. I'm not saying we won't go trick or treating. But I am recognizing it for what it is. That to me is progress. Learning what triggers those bad thoughts and feelings and then working on being mindful and present will help to function in my life much better than I have. I'm really excited about that. Today was not just a good day but also a productive one.
The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.-- Zen saying.
That is it for today. I will be posting soon. So check back tomorrow. Thank you for following. And thank you to all who posted a comment over the last few days. It has been helpful.
Good stuff
11/9/11
I wanted to check in before I start my day. Yesterday was good. I had a nice conversation with one of my dearest friends. Which helped me get an outside point of view on things. (thank you). So I was able to have some productive talks with Mike. I think we broke through some barriers. We both love each other very much. We had a good day. And last night we got to spend a little time together. Very nice!!!! So I was able to go to sleep last night feeling very relaxed and happy about where we go from here. Mike said it's was the worst weekend we have had yet. I agree. Neither one of us want to go back to that ever again. I never did do any work in my workbook. But that's okay. The work that was accomplished was more important. So after I take my nephew to school I will work on that today. Tomorrow I see the therapist. Yesterday I saw my Dr. for my medicine. So this weekend should line up very nicely. Mike will be off. So we will spend some good family time with the kids. Anyway, I just wanted to update all of you. And I would like to post later today. So check back in this evening. If anyone is having a bad day, just hang in there. It's funny how a little time can make all the difference.
I wanted to check in before I start my day. Yesterday was good. I had a nice conversation with one of my dearest friends. Which helped me get an outside point of view on things. (thank you). So I was able to have some productive talks with Mike. I think we broke through some barriers. We both love each other very much. We had a good day. And last night we got to spend a little time together. Very nice!!!! So I was able to go to sleep last night feeling very relaxed and happy about where we go from here. Mike said it's was the worst weekend we have had yet. I agree. Neither one of us want to go back to that ever again. I never did do any work in my workbook. But that's okay. The work that was accomplished was more important. So after I take my nephew to school I will work on that today. Tomorrow I see the therapist. Yesterday I saw my Dr. for my medicine. So this weekend should line up very nicely. Mike will be off. So we will spend some good family time with the kids. Anyway, I just wanted to update all of you. And I would like to post later today. So check back in this evening. If anyone is having a bad day, just hang in there. It's funny how a little time can make all the difference.
New day
11/8/11
Good morning. I thought I would start the day with a blog. I had an anxiety attack already this morning. But it seems to have gone away. I'm hoping I will stay busy enough that I don't have much trouble today. Yesterday was really hard. I had my hot tea last night. It helped. I really love Chai tea. It smells amazing. I have a few things to do today so at least I won't be just sitting around all day with nothing to do. I have to take my nephew to school. When I get home I do plan on working some out of my workbook. I think it will help some along with my therapy. I did read somewhere that the PTSD I have is one the worst kind of anxiety disorders. I know that to be true, I feel it all the time. I feel like I must be crazy or something. I wish I would have done something to get this under control sooner. There is so much locked up inside, it's going to take a while to work through it all. But in all reality, I wasn't ready to fully deal with things till now. Everything in it's time. I want to thank a friend of mine for the laugh this morning ( you know who you are). It helped set the tone for the day. I needed that. I want to laugh just thinking about it. I will try to post again later today after I do some of my workbook. Have a peaceful day everybody!!!!
Good morning. I thought I would start the day with a blog. I had an anxiety attack already this morning. But it seems to have gone away. I'm hoping I will stay busy enough that I don't have much trouble today. Yesterday was really hard. I had my hot tea last night. It helped. I really love Chai tea. It smells amazing. I have a few things to do today so at least I won't be just sitting around all day with nothing to do. I have to take my nephew to school. When I get home I do plan on working some out of my workbook. I think it will help some along with my therapy. I did read somewhere that the PTSD I have is one the worst kind of anxiety disorders. I know that to be true, I feel it all the time. I feel like I must be crazy or something. I wish I would have done something to get this under control sooner. There is so much locked up inside, it's going to take a while to work through it all. But in all reality, I wasn't ready to fully deal with things till now. Everything in it's time. I want to thank a friend of mine for the laugh this morning ( you know who you are). It helped set the tone for the day. I needed that. I want to laugh just thinking about it. I will try to post again later today after I do some of my workbook. Have a peaceful day everybody!!!!
Still trying
11/7/11
I don't know exactly what to say. I'm still having symptoms of anxiety. My stomach has been constantly churning today. My hands have been shaking. A general sense of discomfort. I don't know why things have been this hard. Some I think because there is tension in Mike and I's relationship. He has his own crap, I have mine. There is really no communicating going on. I have appointments this week. Hopefully something will change and I will feel better. But right now I'm not counting on that. I am happy for the comments posted on my blog. Thank you my dear friends for your support. I know that this will pass eventually, it just feels so unending right now. I'm still doing what I need to. I'm taking my walks, and relaxing bubble baths at night. It takes the edge off even if just for a short time. I did some more in my workbook today. We will see what tomorrow brings. I have had some moments today of good. Someone sent me a text today who had the wrong number. We went back and forth several times before they finally got the point. I can't post all what was said but it was very funny. So I will try to hold on to those few moments that gave me a smile. Just really wish I felt better. Someone told me recently Rome wasn't built in a day. I know that, it's just that I really have been working very hard for the last few months. I thought this awful feeling was more in the past. I guess I have to be prepared for set backs from time to time. I will post later. I think I'm going to try to sip on some hot tea to soothe my nausea.
I don't know exactly what to say. I'm still having symptoms of anxiety. My stomach has been constantly churning today. My hands have been shaking. A general sense of discomfort. I don't know why things have been this hard. Some I think because there is tension in Mike and I's relationship. He has his own crap, I have mine. There is really no communicating going on. I have appointments this week. Hopefully something will change and I will feel better. But right now I'm not counting on that. I am happy for the comments posted on my blog. Thank you my dear friends for your support. I know that this will pass eventually, it just feels so unending right now. I'm still doing what I need to. I'm taking my walks, and relaxing bubble baths at night. It takes the edge off even if just for a short time. I did some more in my workbook today. We will see what tomorrow brings. I have had some moments today of good. Someone sent me a text today who had the wrong number. We went back and forth several times before they finally got the point. I can't post all what was said but it was very funny. So I will try to hold on to those few moments that gave me a smile. Just really wish I felt better. Someone told me recently Rome wasn't built in a day. I know that, it's just that I really have been working very hard for the last few months. I thought this awful feeling was more in the past. I guess I have to be prepared for set backs from time to time. I will post later. I think I'm going to try to sip on some hot tea to soothe my nausea.
Trying like hell
11/6/11
I don't know what happened to me this time around. It's hard to put into words exactly. I was feeling very down the past couple of days. But more than that I have felt detached. I'm here, I'm functioning, but with no sense of feeling. It's automated. I have been fighting hard with the intrusive thoughts that I get. It's been a lot of thinking on the loss of my family. I shouldn't do that. It's not healthy or constructive to sit in it. But here I am.... sitting in it. So I do what I always do. Which is to clean my house top to bottom. When that is done find something else to do. When there is nothing left to do, then go to bed for the night. Wake up and do it all over. Today I pulled out a PTSD workbook that I have. It's one that I haven't looked at yet ( I've had it for 2 years now). Everything in it's time I guess. But I sat in my room, with my coffee, in my pj"s till 12:30 this afternoon. I read and did some of the exercises. I found that so far it described me to a tee. I guess I don't want to believe that somehow my brain got rewired into this awful way of thinking. And the worst part is I don't even always know that it's happening. For a while I was blogging about normal everyday things. It seemed I was good right? I thought so too. But this is how life has been for the past 8 years. I can seem to live a normal life and seem to do alright with it. Even manage some happy times out of it. Then out of nowhere here we go again, the cycle starts all over. I found something I read today very interesting and would like to share it. The human mind is a problem solving organ. That is what it does. Part of what turns pain into trauma is the misapplication of some of the skills we trust the most in controlling the world outside the skin- judging, planning, problem solving, and controlling- to the world inside the skin. I guess we try to solve it away ( the pain ). I have tried so many things. Some work and some don't. It's an on going struggle. Time for me has not been my friend. I have found that the loss and the deep pain associated with that have actually intensified. It still feels like a horrible nightmare I'm supposed to wake up from. I feel that part of my very soul has been forever locked away in that day. It's been burned with a branding iron in my brain. I'm supposed to try to get some mastery over my thoughts. I have talked about that in therapy. But I read another interesting thing in my book. The reason we lose sight of a thought is just a thought is due to language. Language has a dark side that allows our minds to construct scary futures, compare ourselves to unmet ideals, and create realities that only exist in our mind's eye. Isn't that so true? I'm always doing that to myself. I have decided that I would like to work out of this workbook along with my therapy and see where that takes me. A quote for the day.... Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. - Helen Keller. So that is what I will be trying like hell to do. Overcoming it. Maybe one day that will be a battle I will win.
I don't know what happened to me this time around. It's hard to put into words exactly. I was feeling very down the past couple of days. But more than that I have felt detached. I'm here, I'm functioning, but with no sense of feeling. It's automated. I have been fighting hard with the intrusive thoughts that I get. It's been a lot of thinking on the loss of my family. I shouldn't do that. It's not healthy or constructive to sit in it. But here I am.... sitting in it. So I do what I always do. Which is to clean my house top to bottom. When that is done find something else to do. When there is nothing left to do, then go to bed for the night. Wake up and do it all over. Today I pulled out a PTSD workbook that I have. It's one that I haven't looked at yet ( I've had it for 2 years now). Everything in it's time I guess. But I sat in my room, with my coffee, in my pj"s till 12:30 this afternoon. I read and did some of the exercises. I found that so far it described me to a tee. I guess I don't want to believe that somehow my brain got rewired into this awful way of thinking. And the worst part is I don't even always know that it's happening. For a while I was blogging about normal everyday things. It seemed I was good right? I thought so too. But this is how life has been for the past 8 years. I can seem to live a normal life and seem to do alright with it. Even manage some happy times out of it. Then out of nowhere here we go again, the cycle starts all over. I found something I read today very interesting and would like to share it. The human mind is a problem solving organ. That is what it does. Part of what turns pain into trauma is the misapplication of some of the skills we trust the most in controlling the world outside the skin- judging, planning, problem solving, and controlling- to the world inside the skin. I guess we try to solve it away ( the pain ). I have tried so many things. Some work and some don't. It's an on going struggle. Time for me has not been my friend. I have found that the loss and the deep pain associated with that have actually intensified. It still feels like a horrible nightmare I'm supposed to wake up from. I feel that part of my very soul has been forever locked away in that day. It's been burned with a branding iron in my brain. I'm supposed to try to get some mastery over my thoughts. I have talked about that in therapy. But I read another interesting thing in my book. The reason we lose sight of a thought is just a thought is due to language. Language has a dark side that allows our minds to construct scary futures, compare ourselves to unmet ideals, and create realities that only exist in our mind's eye. Isn't that so true? I'm always doing that to myself. I have decided that I would like to work out of this workbook along with my therapy and see where that takes me. A quote for the day.... Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. - Helen Keller. So that is what I will be trying like hell to do. Overcoming it. Maybe one day that will be a battle I will win.
Hard times
11/5/11
Let's see where to start. I'm feeling a bit down today. Yesterday was my brother's birthday. If he was still alive he would have turned 37. I have been doing really well over the last few months. I have fought hard to calm my demons. And yes I call them demons because that's just what they are. I really thought I would get through this time of year feeling okay. I was wrong. Those troubling thoughts started hitting me a few days back. I was picking Halloween spider webs off of my rose bushes. My mind just started running. It started off with thoughts on Halloween, then switched to scary movies, then it went to the dreaded place (my house). I saw the visions again. It's so real. When I tell you I saw it, I mean I saw it just as clear as actually being there. I relived that moment just as if it was happening to me right then. I know it sounds crazy, but then I imagined ( but I was seeing it in my head). What if I actually walked through the house and saw my children? What would I have done? And I played out a stunned me. And I saw myself take my own life right there in my house so that I could be with my children. All of this went through my head in just minutes. I had to quickly get out of the garden and hug Mike. Of course I cried. But that set the tone for the next couple of days. These flashbacks are very disturbing to say the least. It is so real and so detailed. I still haven't mastered the ability to talk it away. So I have been edgy. Mike and I had what could have been a minor disagreement. But in all truthfulness I was pushed to my rage territory. I controlled it mostly, but I get so ashamed of myself when that comes out. This time I only threw one beer can ( which hit nobody), and grabbed Mike's face. But I didn't hurt him. We are currently not speaking to each other. To continue with my story, it put me in a place where dealing with the date yesterday was very hard. I cried in the morning. Then I wrote to my brother. I am very angry he left his children behind like that. I have his broken son. That boy needed parents who loved him enough to be there for him no matter what. We tried to keep busy all day. Last night my nephew and I started talking about our family and how it isn't the same anymore. He told me about dreams he has had. And how much he wishes his dad was still here. I shared what I wrote with him. He bottles up so much. We talked about that too. We both miss what our family used to be. He misses his best friend and cousin. It's very hard to push through all of these feelings. I took a bath last night and just cried. So I woke up today still feeling a little sick to my stomach. I still have my son's birthday coming up in two weeks. Like I said I can be fine for a while. Then it hits out of nowhere. I can never know exactly when or what daily thing might trigger it. And when it comes I can deal with it sometimes pretty easy. Other times it hits harder and I can't. So my goal for the day is to be present in the here and now. And try to lay all of this to rest. Sometimes my blogs are boring, and then they get interesting. I just wish I was normal, and didn't have to write about any of these things. I sometimes I really have no idea how in the world I still function. My therapist says I'm resilient. I think it's just survival.
Let's see where to start. I'm feeling a bit down today. Yesterday was my brother's birthday. If he was still alive he would have turned 37. I have been doing really well over the last few months. I have fought hard to calm my demons. And yes I call them demons because that's just what they are. I really thought I would get through this time of year feeling okay. I was wrong. Those troubling thoughts started hitting me a few days back. I was picking Halloween spider webs off of my rose bushes. My mind just started running. It started off with thoughts on Halloween, then switched to scary movies, then it went to the dreaded place (my house). I saw the visions again. It's so real. When I tell you I saw it, I mean I saw it just as clear as actually being there. I relived that moment just as if it was happening to me right then. I know it sounds crazy, but then I imagined ( but I was seeing it in my head). What if I actually walked through the house and saw my children? What would I have done? And I played out a stunned me. And I saw myself take my own life right there in my house so that I could be with my children. All of this went through my head in just minutes. I had to quickly get out of the garden and hug Mike. Of course I cried. But that set the tone for the next couple of days. These flashbacks are very disturbing to say the least. It is so real and so detailed. I still haven't mastered the ability to talk it away. So I have been edgy. Mike and I had what could have been a minor disagreement. But in all truthfulness I was pushed to my rage territory. I controlled it mostly, but I get so ashamed of myself when that comes out. This time I only threw one beer can ( which hit nobody), and grabbed Mike's face. But I didn't hurt him. We are currently not speaking to each other. To continue with my story, it put me in a place where dealing with the date yesterday was very hard. I cried in the morning. Then I wrote to my brother. I am very angry he left his children behind like that. I have his broken son. That boy needed parents who loved him enough to be there for him no matter what. We tried to keep busy all day. Last night my nephew and I started talking about our family and how it isn't the same anymore. He told me about dreams he has had. And how much he wishes his dad was still here. I shared what I wrote with him. He bottles up so much. We talked about that too. We both miss what our family used to be. He misses his best friend and cousin. It's very hard to push through all of these feelings. I took a bath last night and just cried. So I woke up today still feeling a little sick to my stomach. I still have my son's birthday coming up in two weeks. Like I said I can be fine for a while. Then it hits out of nowhere. I can never know exactly when or what daily thing might trigger it. And when it comes I can deal with it sometimes pretty easy. Other times it hits harder and I can't. So my goal for the day is to be present in the here and now. And try to lay all of this to rest. Sometimes my blogs are boring, and then they get interesting. I just wish I was normal, and didn't have to write about any of these things. I sometimes I really have no idea how in the world I still function. My therapist says I'm resilient. I think it's just survival.
10/31/11
The weekend went very well. Lots going on. It kept us all very busy. My neighbor who hosted this years chili cook off won. She had a great recipe. The costumes were great!!!! It was so much fun. I drank a little too much. But I was a happy drunk. That is change. I used to be a ticking time bomb with some alcohol in my system. Mike and I talked about our weekend when we walked our dog last night. We were very happy with the way it all went. Today is Halloween. So I will be taking the kids out tonight. It should be fun. But it will also be cold. It will be in the 30's tonight. At least we don't have snow to deal with. Hope all of you have a Happy Halloween. Will post later.
The weekend went very well. Lots going on. It kept us all very busy. My neighbor who hosted this years chili cook off won. She had a great recipe. The costumes were great!!!! It was so much fun. I drank a little too much. But I was a happy drunk. That is change. I used to be a ticking time bomb with some alcohol in my system. Mike and I talked about our weekend when we walked our dog last night. We were very happy with the way it all went. Today is Halloween. So I will be taking the kids out tonight. It should be fun. But it will also be cold. It will be in the 30's tonight. At least we don't have snow to deal with. Hope all of you have a Happy Halloween. Will post later.
Happy
10/27/11
I wanted to take a moment to blog. I had a minute before my day gets going. Today is my husband and I's 8th anniversary. We are very happy. I am looking forward to him coming home from work. I told him yesterday how grateful I am to have him. He has been through a lot with me over the last couple of years. I really pushed him to the limit. But he always stayed strong and very supportive. All of the things we went through got us where we are now. So there was a reason for it. I feel much better than I did in April. I am happy to be in therapy (which is a big change). It has really helped me to get so much of what I held onto out of my head. I feel much lighter than I used to. And that is something I never thought possible. We are going to have a special dinner at home. It will be an anniversary / birthday dinner. So it's a family celebration. There is good stuff going on all weekend. I will try to post and let you know how it is going. But if I don't it is just because we have a lot going on. I have to make my chili for the cook off. This year may be more challenging than last year. It's all in good fun. So on that note I will stop here. My honey is on his way home.
I wanted to take a moment to blog. I had a minute before my day gets going. Today is my husband and I's 8th anniversary. We are very happy. I am looking forward to him coming home from work. I told him yesterday how grateful I am to have him. He has been through a lot with me over the last couple of years. I really pushed him to the limit. But he always stayed strong and very supportive. All of the things we went through got us where we are now. So there was a reason for it. I feel much better than I did in April. I am happy to be in therapy (which is a big change). It has really helped me to get so much of what I held onto out of my head. I feel much lighter than I used to. And that is something I never thought possible. We are going to have a special dinner at home. It will be an anniversary / birthday dinner. So it's a family celebration. There is good stuff going on all weekend. I will try to post and let you know how it is going. But if I don't it is just because we have a lot going on. I have to make my chili for the cook off. This year may be more challenging than last year. It's all in good fun. So on that note I will stop here. My honey is on his way home.
Confused
10/26/11
I got up almost an hour ago and got the kids off to school. Pretty normal stuff. I like seeing them get on the bus and go to school. They are so funny in the morning. As I was saying, I have been in the present mostly. I feel that I have been doing very well trying to deal with the everyday stuff. I have been really happy about that. It helps me feel more normal. But in the middle of all of that, I had another dream last night. It wasn't really a bad dream. Just the same I find that I feel a bit confused by it. Where are they coming from? It was about my first husband and his family. Dreams are a weird thing. They say they have some kind of meaning that comes from somewhere in your brain. I haven't been thinking about that part of my life that I'm aware of. I have some birthdays coming up over the next two months. Usually they upset me. But I don't feel like I'm looking ahead to set myself up for feeling bad. I guess this is where my therapist said I have to come up with a statement true to me to say out loud to these thoughts. I have to say no, I'm not going to go there. It's kind of comparable to a drug addict who is recovering. They could be going through life just fine even have some time under their belt without drugs. Then all of a sudden there goes the thoughts. They may not understand why they even came up. It can be easier to just give in to what they have always done, than to fight it. So I'm going to fight back and try hard to keep my peace of mind. I have a lot going on over the next few days to keep me busy. My anniversary is tomorrow. Friday night the kids have a fall festival to go to at school. And Saturday is my nephew's birthday (17) and our neighborhood chili cook off. It should be lots of fun. Thank you for reading. I may not understand where these dreams come from, but I will keep moving forward.
I got up almost an hour ago and got the kids off to school. Pretty normal stuff. I like seeing them get on the bus and go to school. They are so funny in the morning. As I was saying, I have been in the present mostly. I feel that I have been doing very well trying to deal with the everyday stuff. I have been really happy about that. It helps me feel more normal. But in the middle of all of that, I had another dream last night. It wasn't really a bad dream. Just the same I find that I feel a bit confused by it. Where are they coming from? It was about my first husband and his family. Dreams are a weird thing. They say they have some kind of meaning that comes from somewhere in your brain. I haven't been thinking about that part of my life that I'm aware of. I have some birthdays coming up over the next two months. Usually they upset me. But I don't feel like I'm looking ahead to set myself up for feeling bad. I guess this is where my therapist said I have to come up with a statement true to me to say out loud to these thoughts. I have to say no, I'm not going to go there. It's kind of comparable to a drug addict who is recovering. They could be going through life just fine even have some time under their belt without drugs. Then all of a sudden there goes the thoughts. They may not understand why they even came up. It can be easier to just give in to what they have always done, than to fight it. So I'm going to fight back and try hard to keep my peace of mind. I have a lot going on over the next few days to keep me busy. My anniversary is tomorrow. Friday night the kids have a fall festival to go to at school. And Saturday is my nephew's birthday (17) and our neighborhood chili cook off. It should be lots of fun. Thank you for reading. I may not understand where these dreams come from, but I will keep moving forward.
In the present
10/25/11
I haven't done any blogging in a few days. I went to therapy. It was good. We talked about all the things that had been going on since our last session. I have made some realizations that I have been more focused on the present. The things that have been bothering me are happening now. I haven't been too focused on past things. Which I have to say is a huge improvement. But when I had that aha moment it was short lived. I had the most awful nightmare to date. This particular one was more violent and gruesome than ever. I woke up in total shock. It bugged me for the day. I did share it with Mike. He agreed it was for sure a nightmare. I don't know how such things can get into your head. I can't post the details it's too awful. I have moved past it. I think that's the key. I have to move forward and not let it get the best of me. Mike and I have had an interesting journey together to say the least. We both have had our demons to deal with. I'm just so grateful that we have each other to count on as we go through things. We are coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary this week. And it will be something for us to celebrate for sure. We are still going strong. No matter what kind of adversities come up, we have each other to count on. Today is a good day. I'm alive and happy. And that is a great thing. Have a great day. I will post soon.
I haven't done any blogging in a few days. I went to therapy. It was good. We talked about all the things that had been going on since our last session. I have made some realizations that I have been more focused on the present. The things that have been bothering me are happening now. I haven't been too focused on past things. Which I have to say is a huge improvement. But when I had that aha moment it was short lived. I had the most awful nightmare to date. This particular one was more violent and gruesome than ever. I woke up in total shock. It bugged me for the day. I did share it with Mike. He agreed it was for sure a nightmare. I don't know how such things can get into your head. I can't post the details it's too awful. I have moved past it. I think that's the key. I have to move forward and not let it get the best of me. Mike and I have had an interesting journey together to say the least. We both have had our demons to deal with. I'm just so grateful that we have each other to count on as we go through things. We are coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary this week. And it will be something for us to celebrate for sure. We are still going strong. No matter what kind of adversities come up, we have each other to count on. Today is a good day. I'm alive and happy. And that is a great thing. Have a great day. I will post soon.
Helping a friend & enjoying my kids
10/19/11
I know it's been a few days since I blogged. I was just checking in on my stats and thought I would post. I am happy I could be there for someone who is having a hard time today. A friend of mine got word last night that her father-in-law has 3-6 months to live. Cancer. Very sad. She was trying to have a birthday party/ sleepover for her daughter when she received this news. So today I just sat with her and let her cry and talk. Sometimes that is really all we can do is just be present for someone in need. It will be hard for them with the holidays coming up and having that in your mind. I told her I would only be a phone call away if she needed me as a listening ear. I have a lot of listening ears through my blog. It has helped me a lot. So I don't mind helping someone else. I go to therapy tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been in a while. I'm sure I will have some good stuff to share in the next day or two. All is well in my house at the moment. Our situation is still the same, but we are trying to live one day at a time. The kids are out for fall break. So I look forward to spending time with them. They were so silly last night. They made a tent in the living room out of sheets. Then they made a pillow trail across the whole floor. They were jumping from one to the other and laughing like crazy. It was refreshing even though my living room was a mess. Their laughter is great. That is the stuff that makes for a good life. I hope all of you reading this have taken some time out of the day to enjoy something. Even if it's just a smile on a loved ones face. I'll post tomorrow.
I know it's been a few days since I blogged. I was just checking in on my stats and thought I would post. I am happy I could be there for someone who is having a hard time today. A friend of mine got word last night that her father-in-law has 3-6 months to live. Cancer. Very sad. She was trying to have a birthday party/ sleepover for her daughter when she received this news. So today I just sat with her and let her cry and talk. Sometimes that is really all we can do is just be present for someone in need. It will be hard for them with the holidays coming up and having that in your mind. I told her I would only be a phone call away if she needed me as a listening ear. I have a lot of listening ears through my blog. It has helped me a lot. So I don't mind helping someone else. I go to therapy tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been in a while. I'm sure I will have some good stuff to share in the next day or two. All is well in my house at the moment. Our situation is still the same, but we are trying to live one day at a time. The kids are out for fall break. So I look forward to spending time with them. They were so silly last night. They made a tent in the living room out of sheets. Then they made a pillow trail across the whole floor. They were jumping from one to the other and laughing like crazy. It was refreshing even though my living room was a mess. Their laughter is great. That is the stuff that makes for a good life. I hope all of you reading this have taken some time out of the day to enjoy something. Even if it's just a smile on a loved ones face. I'll post tomorrow.
Grateful
10/16/11
I woke up a little bit ago. I had a bad dream about my 1st husband. So needless to say I was not in the best mood. I hate when I have dreams about him. They are never good ones. I haven't even talked about it to Mike yet. I probably won't. It's always the same theme. Somehow I always seem to be in a situation where I'm afraid. The good news is, if I kept my word and closed my blog, I wouldn't have logged on to check it. I read the comments and they made me feel better. So I am grateful today for my blog and all who follow it. I do need it. Yes I get stuck, but wouldn't that be writer's block. LOL. I still have many things to work out. I hoping to see my therapist soon. In the meantime I will just keep trying to take things one at a time. And most of all to enjoy the life I have. It could always be worse.
I woke up a little bit ago. I had a bad dream about my 1st husband. So needless to say I was not in the best mood. I hate when I have dreams about him. They are never good ones. I haven't even talked about it to Mike yet. I probably won't. It's always the same theme. Somehow I always seem to be in a situation where I'm afraid. The good news is, if I kept my word and closed my blog, I wouldn't have logged on to check it. I read the comments and they made me feel better. So I am grateful today for my blog and all who follow it. I do need it. Yes I get stuck, but wouldn't that be writer's block. LOL. I still have many things to work out. I hoping to see my therapist soon. In the meantime I will just keep trying to take things one at a time. And most of all to enjoy the life I have. It could always be worse.
Change of heart
10/15/11
I have a good friend who thinks I should reconsider stopping my blog. So maybe I will keep going for a little bit longer. I feel sometimes I'm just complaining about everyday stuff. I haven't been to a therapy appointment in a while. So maybe that is some of it too. I'm at a stopping point with my recovery at this moment. I am hoping this rut I got into will soon pass. I need to focus again. And keep moving forward. It's really easy to let things get the better of you. It's hard work to make yourself move past old ways of dealing. I am guilty of that right now. I had a good conversation last night with my dad. Sometimes I think he doesn't realize how much he helps me. So thank you dad. I also had a good talk with my nephew yesterday. I shared with him some material on grief that my therapist gave me. He agreed that he goes through those things. So even when I think I'm not doing a good job with him, I guess I'm doing more than I think. I hope one day he looks back on all of this and realizes it was all done out of love. I feel pretty good today. On that note I'm going to end this post. I have one on one time with my son. I need to take advantage of that before everyone else comes home.
I have a good friend who thinks I should reconsider stopping my blog. So maybe I will keep going for a little bit longer. I feel sometimes I'm just complaining about everyday stuff. I haven't been to a therapy appointment in a while. So maybe that is some of it too. I'm at a stopping point with my recovery at this moment. I am hoping this rut I got into will soon pass. I need to focus again. And keep moving forward. It's really easy to let things get the better of you. It's hard work to make yourself move past old ways of dealing. I am guilty of that right now. I had a good conversation last night with my dad. Sometimes I think he doesn't realize how much he helps me. So thank you dad. I also had a good talk with my nephew yesterday. I shared with him some material on grief that my therapist gave me. He agreed that he goes through those things. So even when I think I'm not doing a good job with him, I guess I'm doing more than I think. I hope one day he looks back on all of this and realizes it was all done out of love. I feel pretty good today. On that note I'm going to end this post. I have one on one time with my son. I need to take advantage of that before everyone else comes home.
Wanting to give up
10/14/11
I'm getting to a place where I am at a loss as to what to post. Most things now are the everyday norm. I got alot out of me as regards to the tragedy in the beginning. I still have thoughts or get down about that at times. But mostly I think I deal with it pretty well. So now it's the normal life stuff I have going on. Nobody has been commenting much and I know it's not as interesting now. We all have crap to deal with who wants to read someone elses. So I think it's time now to bring my blog to a close. I can write these daily things in my personal journal. I want to thank all of you who have been following for your support. It has been a really big help to me. It's time for me to start dealing with life like a normal person. I have the tools I need so I should be fine. Thank you very much. This will be my last post.
I'm getting to a place where I am at a loss as to what to post. Most things now are the everyday norm. I got alot out of me as regards to the tragedy in the beginning. I still have thoughts or get down about that at times. But mostly I think I deal with it pretty well. So now it's the normal life stuff I have going on. Nobody has been commenting much and I know it's not as interesting now. We all have crap to deal with who wants to read someone elses. So I think it's time now to bring my blog to a close. I can write these daily things in my personal journal. I want to thank all of you who have been following for your support. It has been a really big help to me. It's time for me to start dealing with life like a normal person. I have the tools I need so I should be fine. Thank you very much. This will be my last post.
Dealing with adjustment
10/13/11
It's been a few days since I wrote anything. Been dealing with a lot. It has been a big adjustment for us having a change in our household. We are all still learning how to deal. Issues come up and we all deal with it differently. I don't know what has happened to me, but I am different on how I react to things. I don't get explosive anymore. Sometimes I still deal with things in a not so great fashion. But the all out explosive angry episodes have seemed to stop. Now I just say whatever, it's not worth all the yelling. But I feel like I might be going off in a different kind of direction that may be just as bad. Lately when things arise I get this overwhelming anxiety attack. I feel angry, then I push the feeling down and tell myself don't go to that place. Then I exit the scene for a bit. I tend to get very down about stuff. Is it all worth it? Discontent in our household is getting very old. We can go a few days with everything fine, then pow, here we go again. I don't know anymore. Peace in your life is very hard to achieve. We all have a lot of outside issues that keep us from that. I guess it's a constant effort. I feel like I'm just floating along and waiting for the next storm. That's it for now. I will post later.
It's been a few days since I wrote anything. Been dealing with a lot. It has been a big adjustment for us having a change in our household. We are all still learning how to deal. Issues come up and we all deal with it differently. I don't know what has happened to me, but I am different on how I react to things. I don't get explosive anymore. Sometimes I still deal with things in a not so great fashion. But the all out explosive angry episodes have seemed to stop. Now I just say whatever, it's not worth all the yelling. But I feel like I might be going off in a different kind of direction that may be just as bad. Lately when things arise I get this overwhelming anxiety attack. I feel angry, then I push the feeling down and tell myself don't go to that place. Then I exit the scene for a bit. I tend to get very down about stuff. Is it all worth it? Discontent in our household is getting very old. We can go a few days with everything fine, then pow, here we go again. I don't know anymore. Peace in your life is very hard to achieve. We all have a lot of outside issues that keep us from that. I guess it's a constant effort. I feel like I'm just floating along and waiting for the next storm. That's it for now. I will post later.
Still Learning
10/8/11
I just wanted to say that how we react to things is mostly a learned behavior. We do and say things based on how we have been conditioned throughout our lives. So I'm still learning how to be in situations that are difficult. My first response can be anger. Then it becomes much more than that. I get very down when I feel things are overwhelming. I have to remember to ask myself what would my wise mind do? Acting in your emotional mind makes things worse. Trying to stay positive in this very negative world is very hard to do. And I lost sight of that for a while. Peace is something we all have to work for. Let's face it it's not a peaceful world we live in. We are all tested on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for this blog. It helps me to get things out. And the feedback I get can be very helpful to me. My two long time friends gave me some good stuff to think about. I'm new at teenagers. So it helped me to hear from someone who has them. I'm not alone!!! I'm laughing now. Because someone close to me said we were in the honeymoon stage. And that it would all change. How right she was. I have to say one thing. We dealt with all of this while my two children were out of the house. So they didn't have to hear any awful conversations or see mommy cry. That in itself was a big change for us. I wanted to protect them. They are sensitive to tension. I think my therapy has been a very good thing. I have received tools I need to handle my life differently. I may have fallen down a bit. But I did use some of those tools to get back up. On that note I have to tend to some much needed house work. Have a great day!!! Remember our whole life is a learning process. There is always room for change.
I just wanted to say that how we react to things is mostly a learned behavior. We do and say things based on how we have been conditioned throughout our lives. So I'm still learning how to be in situations that are difficult. My first response can be anger. Then it becomes much more than that. I get very down when I feel things are overwhelming. I have to remember to ask myself what would my wise mind do? Acting in your emotional mind makes things worse. Trying to stay positive in this very negative world is very hard to do. And I lost sight of that for a while. Peace is something we all have to work for. Let's face it it's not a peaceful world we live in. We are all tested on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for this blog. It helps me to get things out. And the feedback I get can be very helpful to me. My two long time friends gave me some good stuff to think about. I'm new at teenagers. So it helped me to hear from someone who has them. I'm not alone!!! I'm laughing now. Because someone close to me said we were in the honeymoon stage. And that it would all change. How right she was. I have to say one thing. We dealt with all of this while my two children were out of the house. So they didn't have to hear any awful conversations or see mommy cry. That in itself was a big change for us. I wanted to protect them. They are sensitive to tension. I think my therapy has been a very good thing. I have received tools I need to handle my life differently. I may have fallen down a bit. But I did use some of those tools to get back up. On that note I have to tend to some much needed house work. Have a great day!!! Remember our whole life is a learning process. There is always room for change.
New day
10/7/11
Ok so it's a new day. After I blogged yesterday, I went and woke Mike up. We had coffee outside and talked. Then later we both took a walk with our dog. It was good. We knew that this was not a good way to be. That we needed to stand together. We all fall sometimes. And we did. But we decided to get up off the ground and move forward. So the day went on and we had some talks with my nephew. They did not go very well. Alot of things were said. Also alot of crying on my part. But in the end I let my nephew know that no matter how hard he pushes I'm not going anywhere. We love him and want him to do well. And maybe one day he will look back on that and see that it was for his best interest. So all is well at the moment. How long that will last? Well he is a teen, it won't last long (Ha Ha Ha!!!!). But I know now that I will try hard not to get myself so down and stand firm. Thank you to my dear friends for their very wise words. You know who you are!!! I'll post again later.
Ok so it's a new day. After I blogged yesterday, I went and woke Mike up. We had coffee outside and talked. Then later we both took a walk with our dog. It was good. We knew that this was not a good way to be. That we needed to stand together. We all fall sometimes. And we did. But we decided to get up off the ground and move forward. So the day went on and we had some talks with my nephew. They did not go very well. Alot of things were said. Also alot of crying on my part. But in the end I let my nephew know that no matter how hard he pushes I'm not going anywhere. We love him and want him to do well. And maybe one day he will look back on that and see that it was for his best interest. So all is well at the moment. How long that will last? Well he is a teen, it won't last long (Ha Ha Ha!!!!). But I know now that I will try hard not to get myself so down and stand firm. Thank you to my dear friends for their very wise words. You know who you are!!! I'll post again later.
Frustrated
10/6/11
It seems every time you try to get yourself in a good place something comes up to ruin that. I have been having some difficult times. My husband and I are stressed. Now we seem to have another issue on our hands. We are taking care of our nephew. I haven't spoken in great detail about that. But my brother passed away also in 2003 on Christmas eve. My nephew has been struggling ever since. He has had some ups and downs. To make a long story short he got into some trouble. He was making very poor choices and had no direction or proper supervision. So Mike and I offered to take him in. We went through alot over the summer to get permanent guardianship. In every conversation we had with him, he was sure this is what he wanted. Well now he is telling me he wants to go back home. He doesn't like it here. Mainly because he is bored. He has no friends here. And also because I won't give in to every whim he seems to have. I am both very angry and very sad. He seems to have no concept of just how much we have done for him. Part of me is like, fine go ahead and be on your way. And another part is like this is not a good thing for him. This all makes me very pissed off at my brother. He purposely left his children behind. Now the rest of us have to worry about how their life is going to turn out. Mike and I are now in full argument mode. I don't know where we stand right now. My nephew wants what he wants and seems to have no real concern about what he's doing to anyone else. It has been a huge adjustment for us having a teenager here. But we have been doing all we can to make this work. He is barely holding up his end of the bargain. I have been putting alot of my personal life on the back burner for this. And now it has all been thrown in my face. What is wrong with the kids these days? There is no respect or appreciation for anything. Some of our financial situation( not all) has been because of this. Our bills are higher. I really can't believe this is happening. I have been fighting my awful anger again. I let my nephew have it the other night. But as I began to feel that over powering urge to blow up uncontrollably I walked away. Now once again little issues are big ones to me. I have to find that peace within again. It's just very hard. I am a wreck right now. And I am very worried about where this leaves Mike and I. As of last night some not good things were said between the two of us. We slept separately. I just don't know what to do. I haven't blogged much because I didn't want to talk about these frustrations online. But it seems this is one of my only outlets. I guess that's why my therapist told me to do it. I have now missed two appointments with her. She has had scheduling issues. So I'm having to do this one on my own. I'm not looking forward to when my own children become teens. The only difference will be that mine will have parents who have been there for them all along. Thanks for listening. It's early in the morning. So I'm sure today will bring about more things. I just needed to talk this out to somebody. Hopefully I'll be better equipped for whatever comes my way today. I'll blog again soon. I'm open to any suggestions.
It seems every time you try to get yourself in a good place something comes up to ruin that. I have been having some difficult times. My husband and I are stressed. Now we seem to have another issue on our hands. We are taking care of our nephew. I haven't spoken in great detail about that. But my brother passed away also in 2003 on Christmas eve. My nephew has been struggling ever since. He has had some ups and downs. To make a long story short he got into some trouble. He was making very poor choices and had no direction or proper supervision. So Mike and I offered to take him in. We went through alot over the summer to get permanent guardianship. In every conversation we had with him, he was sure this is what he wanted. Well now he is telling me he wants to go back home. He doesn't like it here. Mainly because he is bored. He has no friends here. And also because I won't give in to every whim he seems to have. I am both very angry and very sad. He seems to have no concept of just how much we have done for him. Part of me is like, fine go ahead and be on your way. And another part is like this is not a good thing for him. This all makes me very pissed off at my brother. He purposely left his children behind. Now the rest of us have to worry about how their life is going to turn out. Mike and I are now in full argument mode. I don't know where we stand right now. My nephew wants what he wants and seems to have no real concern about what he's doing to anyone else. It has been a huge adjustment for us having a teenager here. But we have been doing all we can to make this work. He is barely holding up his end of the bargain. I have been putting alot of my personal life on the back burner for this. And now it has all been thrown in my face. What is wrong with the kids these days? There is no respect or appreciation for anything. Some of our financial situation( not all) has been because of this. Our bills are higher. I really can't believe this is happening. I have been fighting my awful anger again. I let my nephew have it the other night. But as I began to feel that over powering urge to blow up uncontrollably I walked away. Now once again little issues are big ones to me. I have to find that peace within again. It's just very hard. I am a wreck right now. And I am very worried about where this leaves Mike and I. As of last night some not good things were said between the two of us. We slept separately. I just don't know what to do. I haven't blogged much because I didn't want to talk about these frustrations online. But it seems this is one of my only outlets. I guess that's why my therapist told me to do it. I have now missed two appointments with her. She has had scheduling issues. So I'm having to do this one on my own. I'm not looking forward to when my own children become teens. The only difference will be that mine will have parents who have been there for them all along. Thanks for listening. It's early in the morning. So I'm sure today will bring about more things. I just needed to talk this out to somebody. Hopefully I'll be better equipped for whatever comes my way today. I'll blog again soon. I'm open to any suggestions.
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