Reflection

9/15/11
  
I just wanted to take some time to look back over the last couple of years. And it was eye opening. I have to say first my husband is also trying to go to therapy. So thank you very much Mike for trying to help us. Part of healing is for the person who is taking care of someone with ptsd is to understand it. Sometimes I don't understand what is happening to me. He got some really good information the other day. It made me cry. I never read anything that identified me so acurately before. It helped him realize the way I respond to life has been hard for me to control. I'm trying to learn how to control myself. My responses to stress have been rewired. I have too much adrenaline. So I'm always over the top. Too much fight or flight. I read over my personal journal. I started it in 2009. I often wrote on how I felt like I was crazy. I knew I didn't sleep much and had nightmares. But to read over what I wrote, it was more intense than I realized. Keeping things simple is really important!!! But I still have moments that I forget to do that. Writing this blog helps me to keep things in perspective. It helps me get my thoughts straight. The mind is a very complex thing. I hadn't realized how much stress I was keeping inside until the other day when I started to have pain and numbness down my left arm. It felt like the blood flow was being cut off. When I wrote out how I was doing it went away. Then Mike and I had a long discussion about how we are doing and it came back. It was because I was getting upset. I am almost 40 years old and I don't want to have a heart attack. Chronic stress can do a number on your heart. So I need to do things like go to the river and sit on a rock and listen to the water rushing. Or go outside and hear the birds singing. I have to remember to breathe. This healing process is about rewiring my brain. Its retraining the connections. And I appreciate my husband trying so hard to help us get there. Mike I know you will read this later... I love you more than anything!!!! We are going to be ok. I have an appointment today to see my therapist. I am looking forward to that. I always feel better after I leave her office. It's a journey. I was told at the start that it would be long and hard to do. But I was commited to this. And no matter what pops up or how many times I slip I will keep on going. I will post later.