Living after the loss

 7/4/11
  
I can't begin to tell you how empty I felt. Knowing my family were all gone. I had to go home to pack up my house and move in with my parents. I felt this overwhelming silence. When you have kids life is noisy. I missed that noise. I missed my kids. I floated around in a daze. I couldn't believe this was happening. So I turned to drugs. It helped me to kill any feelings I had. I didn't care if I lived or died. I just didn't want to feel anymore. My heart had been ripped out of my chest. So for a month and a half I medicated the pain away. I was a shell of a person. On july 2nd 2003 I took my whole bottle of Klonopin( which is a nerve pill). I figured I would get in my car and fall asleep while driving and crash off the road. I would be dead. It had to be better than living. Well the people with me took my keys. Needless to say I didn't die. I walked around sideways for 2 days. I thought to myself why did I wake up? Well thats where the best thing was about to happen, I just didn't know it yet. I was about to be with the man I'm married to now. I will get into that next post. Happy 4th of July everyone.