my story continued

 6/25/11

My husband went for help and got on medicine. The psychiatrist had him so doped up he could barely function. He was on very heavy medications. This lasted for a few months. He got tired of being weighed down with drugs, so he said something to the doctor. Over the course of the last 2 years of our lives together, he was on and off different drugs. He changed doctors 3 times. He was becoming a mess. I too was becoming a mess. It was stressful. I also went to the doctor and got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. So now I too was on drugs. The problem with these doctors is they only want to push medications at you. They take 10 minutes once a month to ask how you are. And if you seem like your not doing ok they increase the dosages or add something else. I got dependant on this medicines. They fogged up my thinking. I began to not pay attention to things I should have. My husband was still off in his head. I feel bad because in reality he did want help. He wasn't happy feeling like he did.But the help he sought wasn't the right help. They never pushed therapy. JUST MEDS!!!!! Our children suffered through all of this. Mom and dad were disasters. Both of us began to do things we shouldn't because the medication took away any sense of right or wrong. I loved my family deeply. But I was no longer the mom I was supposed to be. I existed, or floated through last year. I was on effexor xr at 375 mg, and clonapin 1 mg 3 times a day. They gave me a heavy tranqilizer to take for sleep. I took that once, a bomb could have went off and I wouldn't have known. It's hard to write all of this, I feel like I failed. I got so caught up in trying to calm my anxiety that I lost perspective. The reality is the cause of my anxiety was my husband. I'll explain more next post.