The first few sessions I spoke about my story. But on one appointment my therapist asked me to tell her a little bit about my children. So I did. I told her how my son always worried about me. We were very protective over each other. He would be there for me after my husband and I would fight. We used to drink hot tea together. He loved weather and anything related to the sky. He was super smart and loved school. He never wanted to miss school even when sick. His last school year he was in a math bee. He was my bud!!! I miss him so much. My oldest daughter was very loving. She loved to give hugs. All her teachers loved her. She could be shy at times. Which reminded me of myself. She had a love for flowers. I have pictures of her next to my gardens. She would pick me flowers out of the yard all of the time. Mostly they would be weed flowers, but flowers none the less. She was the middle child so sometimes she would feel she needed to do things for attention. I do miss her so much. She was a sweetheart. My youngest was an interesting little girl. She was very petite. But she was the one who wasn't afraid to do anything. She was mommies girl. She didn't like to be around too many people without being clingy to me. She was that way from the time she was born. If she got into trouble and I was getting on to her, she would look at me and say I love you mommy. She sure had a way of trying to tug at your heart. She was the daredevil. I caught her once walking on top of the bannister of my front porch. I said to her, get down from there your going to fall. Her response was, I can't get hurt mommy. She asked me one day I think a few months before she died, Mommy what would you do if I died? I was taken by surprise by that. I told her that I would be very sad. And that I would cry for a long time. But I told her your not going to die. Don't worry about stuff like that. Well I had to eat those words didn't I? After telling my therapist all of this she gave me some visuals. First she told me that she saw me on a sailboat on a body of water, and my son was the wind ( because he was strong). He would push my sails. He was telling me to move forward. That it was ok. So he helps me to keep going. So when the wind is blowing outside I think of him. And my oldest daughter is the sunshine. Because of her love and love for flowers. She helps me feel alive. She warms me. So when the sun is shinning I think of her. My youngest is the rain. Sometimes it's gentle and sometimes it's heavy. It's what I need to keep growing. It's cleansing. All of these elements I feel while I'm sailing on my boat. I'm sailing on the waters of healing. Sometimes I need a push ( the wind). At other times I need to feel alive ( the sun). And I need to feel that I'm growing during this process ( the rain). It cleanses me and helps me feel better. All of these elements actually help me grow. So when I'm going through my days there is usually one of these elements that I feel outside. Sometimes there is more than one. And I can take a moment and say, Hi kids. There you are, I can feel you here. Thank you for helping mommy today. And it helps me to think of them in a positive light. I was stuck in the nightmare of how they died. It was all I could focus on. Now I have something to replace that. It helps. I included all of this in my letters to my children. I told them how I felt about what happened to them. How guilty I have been. How much I miss them. How sad it is to not be able to see them grow up. My children today would be 18, 16, 12. But now they are the wind, the sun, and the rain. I still need them to keep me going. I'm still sad. I will never get over the loss. There will always be an empty place in my heart. I just have to remember that I will always be their mother. I will always love them. And it's ok for me to live the life I have. They would want that. I still cry. I'm crying as I write this. I'm learning that it's ok. I have to feel. To feel is to heal. That is where I leave off today. Thank you to all of you who have left me comments. You have no idea how much it means to me.
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