Good day

11/10/11
  
Sorry I didn't post last night. I got caught up in watching a movie with my wonderful husband. We needed that. It was nice. Today I went to my therapy appointment. It was very good. I shared with my therapist the workbook I'm starting to use. So we will be using that for a while. I feel proud of myself because during this hard time, I was proactive in trying to work on myself. The workbook has some good reading. I am getting things out of it that is really hitting me. I am a work in progress for sure. We never really arrive at a destination, but rather continue on a journey of growth. I'm trying to grow into a better me. There are always going to be ups and downs. I just have to quit getting upset with myself when I have downs. I'm full of self judgement. I will be continuing to work on being mindful. And practicing that technique will be hard at first. But I feel ready and up to the challenge. Today I learned something new in my workbook. Suffering is a secondary problem that comes from trying to push away or avoid pain. And that most suffering comes from projecting into the future or thinking ( sometimes rethinking) about the past. That is me all the way. I'm not living in the moment. I have been hypervigilant for 8 years. Hypervigilant means- being intensely aware of either internal or external experiences. It's an acute sensitivity to the environment around you. Always scanning everyone and everything for the smallest changes that would indicate danger. It can be very exhausting. And I learned in my workbook that sensitivity like that can lead to a lot of misinterpretation. Which I'm sure is what has worn on Mike so much over the years. Not to mention what I have done to myself. I am in constant battle with my mind and my feelings. It has been really hard for me to understand what has been happening to me, so how could I expect anyone else to. So this has been very enlightening. I'm starting to see some of the errors of my thinking. Changing those errors will take time. And I have to learn to be patient with myself. I think that is where I have a hard time. Patience is not always one of my strong suits. I am very happy with myself on one thing and that is I have been sticking with treatment this time. I will continue to do that until I'm sure I have worked through all of my core issues related to the PTSD. I want to be better for me. Then I can be a better me for others. Through talking with my therapist today, I am not going to participate in or talk about the evil or scary side of Halloween. It was a trigger for my awful nightmares and flashbacks. Life for me is different than it was years ago. I have to recognize that and be kind to myself. I have to stick with fun innocent characters for dressing up the kids and ourselves. And no gory or evil things. I am very sensitive to blood. Especially this year because I have been dealing with the trauma head on. It was an evil situation in my house 8 years ago. That is the bottom line. It was the devil doing what he does best. Honestly Halloween is the devil's holiday. I'm not saying we won't go trick or treating. But I am recognizing it for what it is. That to me is progress. Learning what triggers those bad thoughts and feelings and then working on being mindful and present will help to function in my life much better than I have. I'm really excited about that. Today was not just a good day but also a productive one.

The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.-- Zen saying.

That is it for today. I will be posting soon. So check back tomorrow. Thank you for following. And thank you to all who posted a comment over the last few days. It has been helpful.