Trying like hell

11/6/11
  
I don't know what happened to me this time around. It's hard to put into words exactly. I was feeling very down the past couple of days. But more than that I have felt detached. I'm here, I'm functioning, but with no sense of feeling. It's automated. I have been fighting hard with the intrusive thoughts that I get. It's been a lot of thinking on the loss of my family. I shouldn't do that. It's not healthy or constructive to sit in it. But here I am.... sitting in it. So I do what I always do. Which is to clean my house top to bottom. When that is done find something else to do. When there is nothing left to do, then go to bed for the night. Wake up and do it all over. Today I pulled out a PTSD workbook that I have. It's one that I haven't looked at yet ( I've had it for 2 years now). Everything in it's time I guess. But I sat in my room, with my coffee, in my pj"s till 12:30 this afternoon. I read and did some of the exercises. I found that so far it described me to a tee. I guess I don't want to believe that somehow my brain got rewired into this awful way of thinking. And the worst part is I don't even always know that it's happening. For a while I was blogging about normal everyday things. It seemed I was good right? I thought so too. But this is how life has been for the past 8 years. I can seem to live a normal life and seem to do alright with it. Even manage some happy times out of it. Then out of nowhere here we go again, the cycle starts all over. I found something I read today very interesting and would like to share it. The human mind is a problem solving organ. That is what it does. Part of what turns pain into trauma is the misapplication of some of the skills we trust the most in controlling the world outside the skin- judging, planning, problem solving, and controlling- to the world inside the skin. I guess we try to solve it away ( the pain ). I have tried so many things. Some work and some don't. It's an on going struggle. Time for me has not been my friend. I have found that the loss and the deep pain associated with that have actually intensified. It still feels like a horrible nightmare I'm supposed to wake up from. I feel that part of my very soul has been forever locked away in that day. It's been burned with a branding iron in my brain. I'm supposed to try to get some mastery over my thoughts. I have talked about that in therapy. But I read another interesting thing in my book. The reason we lose sight of a thought is just a thought is due to language. Language has a dark side that allows our minds to construct scary futures, compare ourselves to unmet ideals, and create realities that only exist in our mind's eye. Isn't that so true? I'm always doing that to myself. I have decided that I would like to work out of this workbook along with my therapy and see where that takes me. A quote for the day.... Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. - Helen Keller. So that is what I will be trying like hell to do. Overcoming it. Maybe one day that will be a battle I will win.