Okay

 1/12/12

   I really do have my blog for myself. I hope everyone does know that. I had a really bad Sunday. I posted about it before I deleted it all. Our next door neighbor recently moved back into his house. Long story as to our situation with him. But he left the house with his mother-in-law. We have had a good relationship with her. To make a long story short he brought 4 pit bulls back with him. They are in a pen in the back yard. On Sunday one got loose and came to our garage and focused it's attention on to our cat. To make a long story short, police were called, he wasn't home. His family at home wouldn't catch the dog. They had words with officer, a $1400 citation was issued. Because we called some nasty words were exchanged. My anxiety for the whole day was extremely high and so was Mike's. The day ended with us in a nasty arguement. My ugly side came to the surface. The next day we weren't speaking. He had already told me once he didn't like my posting about our stuff, because it's public like facebook. So out of anger and frustration I deleted everything because I felt my outlets weren't allowed. After my therapy session I was deeply upset by what I did. I have it all on my computer now. But I can't get it back on my blog. So I just have to start fresh. The bottom line is the blog is mine and mine alone. It's shared with whomever decides to read it. But it's my thoughts and my feelings no matter who thinks it's wrong or right. This is my healing process on display. And it's a process!!!!! I'm not going to do or say everything right. I'm still learning and trying to move forward. My thinking process and behaviors are still influenced by my trauma. I have deeply imbedded behavior and survival mechanisms based off my previous life. I didn't learn it all over night, and I certainly won't unlearn it all over night. And that is okay. Anything I do now no matter how big or small to be different in my thinking and actions is an improvement. When I fall down I just have to get up and keep going. I have to learn from my mistakes. Which I am doing. My therapist says I will mature as time goes by. It's like anything your learning to do. You won't always get everything right. But the more you do it the better you will get. So that is where I will leave it today.