Sorry it always seems to take awhile to post. I also have life things to care of. Anyway, it's going to sound funny because this is how many of you are following this. I really started to lose my grip on my anger when I signed on to facebook. At first it was really great, we were connecting with old friends. I got to talk to people I haven't communicated with in years. It became addicting. But during all of that new fun, I was drinking alot. I think mostly to keep myself from feeling. I didn't actually think that. But looking back, i was self medicating. I also started smoking pot again as a way to sleep at night. At this point I was lucky if I got 4 hours of sleep in a night. And those hours were over the course of the whole night with me constantly waking up. So no sleep plus self medicating, it's not looking good already right? Well now add facebook. People who knew me and knew I got married to my first husband, heard my story through the grapevine. But my current husband shared the account with me. So there were people on our friend list I didn't really know. Now for peoples reactions!!!! I posted a story on facebook as a small way to share how Mike and I got together. So I got asked about my life alot. I got reactions from everyone reading the story. Some were sympathetic, some were shock. I found myself telling the gory details of my awful situation way more than ever. I could talk about it. I could write about it. But the after effects were not too good. I would have more horrifying nightmares. I would cry. I would feel helpless and guilty. And most of all I would become explosively angry!!!! One minute I would be smiling and be ok, the next minute I would go blank and lose my mind. Poor Mike!!!! He was taking the brunt of it all. I fixated my rage on him. So I threw lots of things. I yelled alot. Foul language would pour out of my mouth. I would hit Mike all the time. I felt like I could actually kill someone myself. This would mostly happen in our garage. So needless to say our whole neighborhood could hear me. Mike would run from me, which only made me more mad. He would get desperate for help and call my parents. Which made me more mad. I didn't want anyone to know how out of control I was becoming. Mike called the police on me one time. I had to run off and hide. I knew I would go to jail for domestic violence. Mike had all kinds of marks on him. He was so awesome during all of this. He tried with all his might not to hit me back. He did a couple of times. But you see that's what I wanted. I would dare him to fight me. I would tell him to. Because that would make me more angry and I would unleash it all on him. I could not take my anger out on the person I was angry with. But Mike held that role now. The role of husband. And I didn't feel I deserved a new life. I have always felt I should have died with my kids. What kind of a mother was I not to be home when my kids needed me the most? They were being killed by the person they should have been able to trust. And I was out with some asshole because I was tired of dealing with my husband's crap!!!!! That is one of the most difficult things to live with. Now I have 2 more children and I'm a raging lunatic who is beating up their father. It got so bad that if I got upset over anything I would watch Mike and at times my kids become panicked. They just never knew when I might explode. This made me even more sad!!!!! Mike decided we were going off facebook. Because that seemed to bring out all of this. We went back into our cacoon. We always did better by keeping people out of our life. We stayed very private. It would work for awhile. But the problem was still there. I hated myself. I felt there was no way out. That this was my sentence to carry forever. If my children were dead than I could not be happy!!!!! To be happy very long would be a betrayal to them. Or at least that's what I thought. I tried to control everything and everyone in my household. I thought if I did this it would prevent things from becoming out of control. What a vicious cycle that is. It doesn't work that way. Too much controlling actually causes everything to get out of control. But I couldn't seem to stop. I never knew when these powerful emotions were going to overtake me. I hope this gives you some insight to my private torture. Looking back I was really trying to self destruct because I didn't feel worthy of my life. I didn't deserve a man who loves me like Mike does. I didn't deserve new children. I didn't deserve my house. I didn't deserve to be happy. I would come to find out later that this is not true. So this is where I will leave off today. Thanks for following.
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