Control is the issue

1/5/12
  
I just got home from taking my nephew to the doctor, I got some laundry going and thought I would write. Yesterday I said I was going to do some work in my book. I did just that. What a revelation! I mean I knew I had control issues (mike would say that all the time). But it is a whole section in my workbook. People who are dealing with traumatic events in their lives tend to use control as a coping skill. Which is why I went so overboard. To me control was a sense of safety. If I kept control of my surroundings and the people in my environment, then I would be okay. Nothing bad would happen to the people I love and I wouldn't get hurt. At least that is what I thought. The funny thing is I didn't do that on purpose. It just kind of happened. My mind just took over. The results were that I did get hurt and the people around me got hurt. It made life for all of us a disaster. Nobody has control over anything except themselves. So this crazy cycle was at play for many many years. It started in my first marriage. It was my way of dealing with a husband who was always causing some kind of nonsense in our lives. It worked for a time. It helped me keep balance to a certain extent. But then it got worse. In the end I had no control over what would end up happening. I had no control over him. He showed me that by taking away our family. Well at the time I didn't have this insight. I couldn't see that fact until now. I was beginning to understand how my need to control my environment was causing unneeded mess in the family I currently have. Doing that work in the book yesterday opened my eyes even wider. I can see and understand how silly trying to control things can be. Some level of control is good in life, don't get me wrong. We do have control over ourselves. But when it goes into over drive the results will most certainly turn out badly. It helped my perspective on life. I will work on that issue. I have been, but I will try harder to be aware of myself in that regard. I want to have a happy and loving home. And I can have that as long as everyone gets to be an individual as well as a member of the family unit. So this was a good thing for me. I didn't talk about this with anyone last night. I just felt good. I relaxed in the evening with my famous bubble bath and my new CD. It was really beautiful music. I love it!!!!!! It will be part of my self care routine. Unwinding to that music. The CD is titled Lavender. Which is supposed to be helpful in calming and soothing you. I love the smell of Lavender. Now I love the sound of it. I'm feeling well about everything so far. At this moment I have a sense of peace with myself. Today the war I wage on myself (in my head) is relatively calm. Very few bumps so far. It doesn't mean things won't come up. But right now I'm just enjoying the calmness within myself. The goal will be for more of these kind of days and less of the inner war kind of days. Hope all of you reading are in good spirits as well. And if not, just keep trying because this too shall pass. Lots of love and peace to you all. I will post tomorrow.