Guilt

 9/15/11
  
I just got back from my appointment. I want to say thank you to my therapist. I feel exhausted. It was very emotional today. We touched on a topic that I don't want to address. GUILT!!! What a powerful thing guilt is. It can move you to change your behavior ( if it's healthy guilt). Or it can cripple you and keep you stuck ( if it's the unhealthy kind). Therapy for me has been an up and down journey. I feel it's helping me to deal with some very deep and painful things. Today I had to look at the guilt I carry. I have to get rid of the cage that keeps me locked up. I want that very much. It's just easier said than done. My first husband had this way of trying to make me feel that all the things he did wrong was in some way my fault. So I guess that's how I started wiring things that aren't true in my brain. I feel it is my fault for leaving my children unprotected. I should have payed attention more to the last week before they died. I feel guilty for being alive and they are not. I know I didn't do the action that killed them. It's just that moms are supposed to protect their children. I feel I let them down. My therapist said they are not mad at me. WOW!!! That was hard. I think about my son fighting for his life. Was he calling for me? Was he wondering why I wasn't there to save him? That deeply saddens me. How do I get rid of all this guilt? I can't have peace until I can do that. It's hard for me to think I deserve any good in life. I hate so much that I have been crippled by this. I hate that I don't feel like a normal person. I hate how intrusive this disorder is in my life. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!!!! Flashbacks are a problem. We talked about that today too. They are a little better. But they still come. It's like watching a gory horror film over and over. I see it that vividly. I never know when it's going to hit me. They just come up whenever they want. Peace, that's all I want. So I have to work on peaceful surroundings. This road to recovery has lots of twists and turns. I will work very hard to continue to move forward. I will call on my wind, sun, and rain to help me through. Positive memories!!! I have to redirect my thoughts. I will try hard to forgive myself. I just haven't figured out how to do that just yet. So on that note I need to do something with the rest of my day. I will post tomorrow.