Extreme emotions continued

9/2/11
  
So I know by now you all must be thinking, oh my God what kind of woman is this? A very overwhelmed one!!!!! I didn't know what to do about myself. So I tried to go to therapy. What a joke!!!! It's not the first time during the course of time since everything happened, that I tried to get help. What I don't understand is where do some of these people get their license to practice? I had one therapist say to me after hearing my story... " I don't know what to say to you." What the F*&@!!!!!!! I left out of there feeling very upset. Anyway, the therapist I was seeing this time would talk to me, but she didn't push very much. She would say.. "you can talk to me about whatever you want." "It can be about what movie you watched last night, whatever you want." I guess it was her way of trying to make me comfortable, but again this was weird to me. She did say to me once, "Do you think maybe your pushing Mike to see to what lengths he would go before he left you?" I had to stop and think about that one. I think it was true. I was testing him. Testing the limits of his love for me. I guess subconsciously I wanted to know if he was really going to stay with me no matter what. I went to this woman for a few months. But she didn't really offer much. When she heard about a few of my anger episodes and lack of sleep, she said I needed mood stabilizers. So I saw the office psychiatrist. She told him that her opinion was that I was bipolar. That was it!!!! I was out of there. I already dealt with that disorder. I knew what it was, my husband had it. NOT ME!!!! I was dealing with trauma. So again I decided to deal with it on my own. Things could go fine for awhile. I got really good at pushing my emotions down. Trying everything to be numb. But again it wouldn't take long before it would come up with a vengeance. Can I just say something? Do any of you reading this realize how exhausting this is to a person? I would feel wiped out all the time. It's physically and emotionally exhausting!!!!! I was very tired of feeling the way I did. Very tired of feeling nobody understands. Mike was also tired of me depending on him for emotional support. Unless you have been through something like this you can't even begin to imagine just how life altering it is. So Mike really can't give me what I need. Only his love!! Which I am grateful for don't get me wrong. Well another 1 1/2 years went by with me in this condition. Sometimes fine, other times a raging maniac. Mike would get hurt (physically and mentally). I would be so sorry for my actions,but not able to undo it. My kids were afraid to do any little thing wrong. They couldn't even spill anything on accident without me yelling. My son is a very sensitive little soul. I love him so much. But he cries easily when his feelings are hurt. Which can sometimes be frustrating. When he's like that he won't talk and tell you whats wrong. He only cries. Well this happened in April of this year, 2011. But I knew what was wrong this time. He wanted to wear his Dracula costume out to play. I said no. It's black and it was hot outside. So I said no. Mike didn't see anything wrong with it. Our son started to cry because his friend wears stuff like that out to play all the time and he couldn't understand why he couldn't. What's the big deal right? This is an example of my controlling behavior. It's my way or no way. Give a fight about it and that sends me off. Mike and I got in a yelling match over this. Our poor little boy was getting more upset. My anger was taking over. So that means I was starting to cross the line. I went after Mike like usual. We fought and yelled. But this time I wasn't blank. I could hear my son screaming and crying at what was going on. Our daughter was in her room not saying anything. She was watching t.v. Mike yelled out one line to me which stabbed me right in the heart. "Look at what your doing to your son!" That was all she wrote. I went into my room hysterical. I started to grab pills from everywhere. And before I could really think straight, I took them. I had percocets, ambien, zanax, and Valium. I must have taken a good 15 pills all together. I was so hurt and so angry. I was hurting my kids, my husband. I thought I was once again an awful mom. I was pissed at Mike. So my thoughts were I'll show him. But when I swallowed those pills I thought, Oh no what have I done. Then anger took over, I was thinking GOOD!!!! I handed Mike the checkbook and told him it's all yours now. You can take care of everything. I'm going to be gone. He said, "you didn't really do anything." My response was, "I guess you will find out in about 20 minutes." Needless to say he called 911. I'll leave off there today. I'll post next time on what happened next. Thanks for following. I see I have some new people following. Thank you for reading my story. Feel free to comment. It helps me gauge how I'm doing.