As I said in the last post, Mike called 911. I was closed up in my room, so I didn't know he did that. But I came out to see what was going on. As I walked across the living room, I could see out the front windows that the cops were here. So I quietly went out my back door and sat at our picnic table. They came out the door after looking around the house for me. I was determined not to speak. Mike tried to talk to me and I said to him that I had nothing to say. So the officer asked him to leave. We talked for a minute. He was saying that Mike wasn't sure if I took anything or not. I finally said I did. I told him my story. At this point the paramedics were coming through the house. They said that they needed to check my vitals. I gave permission. But I have to tell you by this point I was feeling a little out of it. I remember 2 paramedics, the officer, and Mike. They were all talking but it was getting fuzzy. They told me I had to go to the hospital. I know I walked through the house with them. But I don't remember getting into the ambulance. I can't remember the ride to the hospital. I can't recall coming through the emergency room. Mike said I was in an isolated room, with people working on me. Then he said I was moved to the ICU. I don't remember that either. I do remember I opened my eyes to a nurse telling me I had to drink this nasty cup of charcoal. And if I didn't do it on my own, they would do it the hard way. I guess I must have drank enough. Mike said I would open my eyes off and on, and when I did my blood pressure would go way up. The doctor told him that we had no choice in the matter, I had to go to the psychiatric hospital. He told Mike I took enough stuff to put my life in jeopardy. So Mike said he had to go, because they were getting ready to move me. So we said goodbye to each other. But I still was in and out. I don't know how long it took before they got me up to get in the next ambulance. This time I remember getting in. They strapped me to the stretcher. But I dosed off and on during that ride. I think I arrived at the psych hospital about 1:00 am. I had to sign a bunch of papers. Then they took me to my room. There were two other girls in there. I went to sleep. So now there I was in the crazy house. This was not the goal. I was miserable!!!! I was groggy, and still upset. All I could do was cry. I had charcoal all over the butt of my jeans. So I must have spilled it in the er. And I had a shirt on that said, If I snap you'll be the first to go. This was real great. It's funny now. But it wasn't at the time. Everyone tried to stay away from me after reading my shirt. I didn't care I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was there for a 72 hour hold. I had to attend group sessions. I had to see a psychiatrist. They put me on celexa 20 mg. It was a horrible experience. But it was the best thing to happen to me. One of the ladies that worked there really opened my eyes. She told me it was time to lay down the guilt. That my children that past away wouldn't want mommy to be this way. She told me that it was ok to live. I just sat there and cried. But it was a turning point for me. And I decided I had to do whatever it took to get better. I had a life. I just need to make better use of it. I'm still on my medicine. And I'm not an advocate for psychiatric meds. I've watched those destroy people. But this one is great for me. It takes the edge off, but I can still feel what I'm supposed to. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder. And that's what I have. This medicine helps with the depression and the overwhelming anxiety I get. So I feel more in control. All of this led me to my therapy. And that is where the healing started to be a focus. I will leave off here today. I will post soon. Thanks everyone for your comments. It means alot.
No comments:
Post a Comment