Not sure

12/28/11
  
Let me start by saying hello. I have to say the last 24 hours has been really horrible. My emotions have been all over the place. I personally think I held too much inside over the last week. Between Katherine's birthday and the anniversary of my brother passing. Mike and I ended up having a misunderstanding on Monday evening. It turned really ugly. The ugly was on my part. I felt my anger rising up inside and I couldn't seem to help myself. Nothing physical just words. But still it wasn't good. So I don't know where we go from here. It seems for the last few months we have been drifting apart somewhat. Maybe it's all the stuff we have on our plates. I don't know, I just know I miss my best friend. And I miss the times we used to spend together just us. I worked some in my workbook yesterday, that didn't help matters either. It was pain vs. suffering. I realize I add a lot of suffering to the picture. But it's a cycle. Hopefully I will learn how to stop adding rings of suffering to my original pain. Until then I still feel like it's a never ending nightmare. I can keep a grip for a time. Then things seem to get overwhelming again. Mike told me yesterday to quit my therapy and meds. Because I am going through a spell he said it's not working. It was hurtful. I feel over all it's been helping a lot. My support group (meaning friends and family) is very small. Mike doesn't really try to understand. If I'm okay he is okay. That is his motto. I see that to be true. Sometimes I don't know what is happening. I just get flooded and I lose my balance. I mean it when I say I hate my head. Those memories and feelings are locked in there. I can't forget them no matter how hard I try. That has been the problem. I have tried to control my head. So that I can stay normal. Whatever that means. What is normal? I wanted the New Year to be good. I was hoping to get some of this crap I have been going through under some sort of control. The key word CONTROL. I can't do that. Control of my thoughts and feelings is what has landed me here. I have to ride it out, not put a stop to it. What I feel is what I feel. If nobody likes it, that's too bad. Even if it's members of my own house. I don't like how I feel a lot of the time. But I have to allow myself to feel it. The only way around the issue is to go through it. I need this blog.... not for all of you who read it, but for me. It's my outlet. My venting session. If it helps one of you, GREAT. But I'm trying to help myself. For the first time in my life, I am trying to do something to help me. Being the person I am, I worry about everyone else. I was like that even in school. I always worried about what other people thought. Or if they liked me. I don't care anymore. If I am not doing okay for myself, then I can't do anything for anyone else. That is part of my trauma. I did too much for my family. And let my husband dictate how are lives were going to be. (which was mostly chaos). I learned to leave myself behind and fix everything so we had some stability. Of coarse I tried to be the best mom I could. I will always try to do that. I just have to be the best me I can. On that note. I am not sure how to be right now, but I am working on it.

The best and safest thing is to keep balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise person.