feeling much better

  I always get amazed at how much difference a day can make. I was taken by surprise last night when Mike came home from work. He brought me some flowers to brighten my day. It was so sweet. It was just what the Dr. ordered. I really needed that. So I feel much better this morning. I texted him as soon as I woke up to say I love you. We had a nice exchange of messages. I used to really hate texting ( not very personal). But it is a great way to talk to him between breaks while he is at work. We both value our relationship. We just have to put some effort into it sometimes to keep it fresh. We have been together for 8 1/2 years. There will be highs and lows along the way. I'm looking forward to the next two days. He will be off of work. I have an idea for us. I can't share it now. He reads this sometimes. But I will post how it goes. So the answer to the question yesterday is..... Yes, I always need to fight! If I didn't I would miss out on the good stuff in life. On that note I will go and spend some time with my wonderful children. Happy Sunday!!!!!!

To fight or not to fight that is the question

   Interesting title right? Well mostly I'm talking about the fight I have with myself. I still have a lot of inner struggles. I can go along for awhile and feel pretty good. Then life starts to happen and I get all crazy inside myself. Mike and I have our ups and downs like everyone. We had some downs over the last few days. We weren't seeing eye to eye on something. The subject matter hit me at my core. It went against how I was brought up. So no matter what I couldn't make it okay within me. He saw no problem, so there we are. We now have a problem!!! I think over the last 6 months or so we have taken a turn in our relationship. Things haven't been the same. Everyone goes through these kinds of times. But in my trying to work on me and him sitting in his I don't know what, we are losing us. That is something I never thought would happen. So feeling like that and add an argument to it. Well it turns into an ugly situation. We say all kinds of stuff to each other, which cuts deeply. So that of course isn't helping us to feel very close to each other. It's only making us further apart. Needless to say the other night I had another wild nightmare. Death stays on my mind. It sounds bad I know. But lately with things being how they are I'm always thinking to myself is it all worth it? Well the dream I had was basically me fighting to stay alive. Someone who I did not know was trying to kill me. I was fighting with all I had. I was being cut during my struggles. I ran and still managed to end up where this man was. My dream switched to a woman who was picking up where this man left off. She caught me and was restraining me by laying her body on top of me so I couldn't move. I could literally feel the weight on me. I couldn't move. She was getting ready to kill me and I woke up. I felt the weight on my chest and I was soaked with sweat. These things are so real. Last night I was scared to go to sleep. When I'm under some sort of stress in my life, I become a target for these horrible things. My workbook says they are scary passengers on the bus I drive. The bus is my life, I drive it ( or steer where my life will go). These thoughts, feelings, fears all of the aspects that come with the trauma (they are the passengers). When these passengers get so loud and scary I steer the bus in the wrong direction. Once I get lost, it takes me a bit to find my way again. I can tell you that driving through the bad part of town is no fun. It just keeps the fear and anxiety alive. So the reason for my title is, do I fight or not fight? I know the answer is that I need to. It's just that it takes a lot of energy and strength. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any left. Maybe I should have posted on here sooner. But sometimes I don't want to seem like I have lost my mind. Because it feels like it. I guess that is all I wanted to get out for now. I'm going to try to push through my day. I will post soon.

hello

I'm just checking in this morning. I plan on working on my next chapter in my workbook today. Hopefully there will be some good stuff in there for me to share. Not much out of the ordinary going on. Last night I took my little girl with me to walk the dog. It was nice. She was very talkative about school. Today is the 100th day of school. She was looking very forward to it. It was really cute to listen to her and watched the big smile on her face. Again I'm trying to pay attention to the important things that are right in front of me everyday. I will post again soon.